


Rebecca and Nathaniel Give Love a Chance

by heartbash



Series: Rebecca and Nathaniel Give Love a Chance [1]
Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Divergent, Car Sex, F/M, Feelings Sex, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Post 3x07, Rough Sex, Shower Sex, Suck it canon!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbash/pseuds/heartbash
Summary: This fic begins after the events of 3x07 and then diverges from canon, exploring the back half of Season 3 if Rebecca had not broken up with Nathaniel. The story focuses on the relationship between Rebecca and Nathaniel and parallels Rebecca's overall emotional journey in the real Season 3. Now with less attempted murder!





	1. Nathaniel is My Boyfriend!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We begin our story post-3x07 with Rebecca & Nathaniel in a sex bubble. But does Nathaniel want more? Can Rebecca handle more without getting obsessed? Can Rebecca behave in a fancy restaurant? What does Dr. Shin have to say about all this? All this and more in this chapter!

In the weeks following Rebecca and Paula’s trip to Buffalo, Rebecca and Nathaniel spent most nights together holed up in a sex cocoon. Rebecca had taken Dr. Shin’s gift of the scratch-and-sniff sticker as tacit endorsement of the arrangement. She convinced herself that she wasn’t betraying her own admission of not being ready for a relationship because it was not a relationship. In her mind, it was simply a series of one-night stands...with the same person...that had lasted almost a month...that also involved copious cuddling. Even so, she thought to herself, they never went on a date. Their lives were not intertwined in any way outside the confines of his apartment.

The only people who knew about their tryst was Paula and Heather. Heather because she had to explain her noticeable absence as a housemate. Paula because she sniffed it out, literally. One day when they greeted each other with a hug, she pulled away in disgust and asked, “Ew, why do you smell like sweat and sex?” That’s all it took to get Rebecca to spill. Paula was surprisingly non judgmental about the whole affair, but asked Rebecca to spare the gory details so she could still look Nathaniel in the eye at the office without some obscene image popping into her head.

Plus, she reasoned, as long as she was committed to her therapy, she was doing what she needed to do. She never missed an appointment with Dr. Shin or her group. She was engaged and working hard to address her issues. If she had an appointment, she simply slipped away saying she had to go, which Nathaniel never questioned. In fact, neither of them brought up Rebecca’s recent suicide attempt, the things Nathaniel had learned about her past, or even the fact that she was going to therapy multiple times a week. She assumed he knew where she was going, especially given that the appointments were the same time every week. If she was being honest, she was relieved that he never pressured her to discuss it. The rest of her life revolved around her therapy, and their time together was a welcome break from continuous, forced introspection. For the time being, he was a welcome escape and a distraction from the seriousness of her recovery.

Falling into bed with him was easy. Sex was obviously an area of his expertise and she was content to be a beneficiary of his skills. He was always full of want for her and didn’t hide it, something she was not accustomed to. Most of their couplings were desperate, needy, as if the spell could be broken at any moment and it could be their last time. She was vaguely aware that she was becoming addicted to him and the little things that were uniquely him. The way he loved to run his hands over the cinch of her waist to the swell of her hip. The way his hands somehow always ended up in her hair, cradling her head. The way he spoke to her during sex that sent a shiver up her spine and made her toes curl.

One morning, Rebecca woke in Nathaniel bed, his usual spot absent but still warm. She groggily remembered that it was Saturday. She stretched luxuriously, taking the opportunity to extend her limbs as far as possible. She then scooted over to his pillow and smelled his scent that still lingered there. Where could he be on a Saturday morning? A foreign object on his bedside table caught her eye. There was a folded piece of paper with “Rebecca” written in his scrawl on the outside. She reached over and retrieved it.

 _R -_  
_I didn’t want to wake you. Darryl & I have a big client meeting today. I’ll tell you more later._  
_It’s time I took you on a real date. I made reservations for a fancy dinner tonight in Beverly Hills. Pick you up at 6._  
_\- N_

Rebecca’s stomach fluttered. A real date. A fancy date. She read the note several times and then pressed it to her chest, a swirl of emotions welling up inside her. Excitement. Anticipation. Anxiety. Nathaniel was consciously upending the delicate balance of their arrangement. The way her heart beat fast when she read the note was evidence that she wanted this date. But did she want it because she was blinded by her physical infatuation with him? Or did she want him, all of him, for herself?

She leapt out of his bed and got dressed. She had group therapy in a few hours and wanted to get home and change prior to the session. She’d rather not go looking like a college student taking the walk of shame.

As she was leaving the apartment, Rebecca noticed a stack of papers strewn on the kitchen table. Nathaniel was unnervingly tidy so it seemed unusual for him to leave a mess. He must have rummaged through these in a hurry to find paper for the note. She hesitated for a moment. She knew she shouldn’t snoop. But she caved within seconds, her impulsive nature getting the best of her. She unfolded one of the pieces of paper.

 _Dear Rebecca,_  
_I’m sorry to hear about your suicide attempt. I’m here for you._  
_Nathaniel_

Her stomach dropped. She flashed back to the afternoon when he brought her the crimson roses. She remembered the expression on his face - so vulnerable and earnest. For a moment she felt a pang of guilt for being nosy. But was it snooping if he left them out in the open? And after all, the note was written to her. She opened another.

 _Dear Rebecca,_  
_This world is better because you’re in it. I’m here for you._  
_Nathaniel_

 _Dear Rebecca,_  
_You make the world a better place. You’re the sweetest person I know. I’m here for you._  
_Nathaniel_

How many times had he re-written this note? Her chest felt tight and she blinked back tears. She hurriedly rearranged the papers so they appeared untouched. His apparent tenderness for her had caught her off-guard. Memories of the last few months came rushing back to her, unbidden, his words echoing:

_When I’m around you, I stop thinking about myself and I think about you._

_Ever since the love making - the sex making - I haven’t heard from you._

_I feel things for you...I’ll call up my jet, tell them to fuel up, and we’ll go away together._

_Well, I mean it. I do. I’m here for you._

Suddenly all the mental arguments she had carefully constructed about not being in a relationship fell apart. How could she be in so much denial? He explicitly confessed his feelings for her, but she had been in the midst of spiraling out-of-control. She had been so utterly consumed by her own issues and devastation over Josh that he got lost in the shuffle. In her mind’s eye she started re-contextualizing all their interactions over the past few weeks with new clarity. The evidence was plain as day that he wanted more. It was in every breathless “I missed you” against her lips, every squeeze of his arm around her waist to pull her closer in the middle of the night, and every lingering kiss to her forehead before he left for work in the morning.

*****

The rest of the day Rebecca had trouble focusing. Her emotions were cycling in an endless loop, beginning with exhilaration at the thought of going on a real date with Nathaniel and inescapably ending with anxiety over whether she was ready for a real relationship. Could she fully give herself to someone else after the crash-and-burn with Josh? Could Nathaniel handle the inevitable ups and downs that went along with her recovery? Rebecca faked her way through group, pretending that she was listening, all the while daydreaming about how the date would go. At the end of the session, she practically sprinted out the door, earning an acerbic look from Lana.

Back home, she stood in front of her closet, contemplating the appropriate way to dress for this date. She could count on one hand the number of proper dates she had been on the past few years.

“Oh hey, so you still live here I guess,” Heather observed from behind her, characteristically less than exuberant.

“Yea, sorry I’ve been MIA lately,” she replied with no further explanation, pushing hangers around her closet.

“Cool. cool. I assume you’ve been shacking up with your boss, which is probably great for your whole situation...”

“Yea yea, it’s fine,” Rebecca responded dismissively. “Also, ex-boss. Which of these says fancy date in Beverly Hills to you?” she asked with excitement, holding up two dresses on either side of her.

“Well, they’re both black, so…”

“Yea, but they’re totally different. See, this one…” Heather walked out of the room before she could finish. Rebecca just shrugged and continued getting ready. She eventually decided on a curve-hugging V-neck black dress with simple black heels. She did her makeup a little heavier than usual, with red lipstick, and pulled her hair half back. She looked at herself in the mirror for a long time. She knew this date was significant. A turning point.

From the bathroom she heard him knock on the door.

“Rebecca, it’s your boyfriend or whatever,” Heather called.

“He’s not my...whatever, it doesn’t matter. Hi.”

“Hi.” He wore a shy smile and a perfectly tailored grey suit with a black tie. It was criminal how good he looked and she briefly contemplated skipping the date and just ravaging him right there. But she exercised restraint.

“Hi,” she said again, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “Is this too much?” she gestured to her dress.

“Not at all. You look beautiful.” She felt warm all over.

Heather rolled her eyes. “Ok, have fun you crazy kids. Have her back...whenever.”

On the 45 minute drive to the restaurant, Nathaniel told Rebecca about the case he was working on with Darryl. It was a big class action suit against a property management company. He asked for her expert opinion, given her background with the hot water scandal. After not working for some time, she was starved for more intellectual stimulation and she enjoyed the challenge of picking the case apart. They fell into comfortable banter that was reminiscent of their early days working together and the drive went by quickly.

When they got to the restaurant, Nathaniel, as if it was completely second nature, opened her car door for her and pulled out her chair when she sat at the table. She wasn’t sure if this was his attempt at being chivalrous or a byproduct of his upbringing, but she had a feeling it was the latter.

“Wow, this place is really fancy,” she said in a stage whisper once they were both comfortably seated.

“I just thought...you deserve to be taken out on a proper date.”

“Thank you. Though I do feel a little out-of-place. This isn’t exactly my usual scene,” she said, glancing around at the other patrons anxiously.

“Well, next time you can take me someplace you feel more comfortable. Maybe that donut shack or where ever you and Paula used to disappear when you were supposed to be working.”

She laughed, “Yea, like you would ever eat a donut!” She reached across the table and smacked his arm playfully. An older woman at the table next to them shot her a dirty look and Rebecca abruptly stopped laughing and mouthed “sorry” to Nathaniel.

When they ordered, Nathaniel confidently selected an expensive wine for them. After the server left, Rebecca mused, “You seem to be in your element here. Tell me about how you grew up. I’m imagining horse-riding lessons, fencing matches, grand debutante balls, summering in the Hamptons and wintering in...wherever people winter.”

“You’re slipping into the old-timey voice again,” he said with a playful grin. “Um, it wasn’t as charming as you’re making it sound. Sure, we had resources and I never went without. I’m grateful for that. But my parents were always hyper focused on my success from a very early age. I didn’t actually get to be a kid much. Between all of the planned activities and my studies, they didn’t really let me have friends or just...play.”

Rebecca regarded him sadly, imagining him as a young boy with no friends. He continued, “It’s ok, though. My relationship with my mother has been improving lately. But my father and I...there’s no hope there. He’s essentially made every major decision in my life and I let him. Sometimes I wish we could connect just as people. As you can imagine, I’m a walking cliche of ‘my parents never hugged me’...because my parents literally never hugged me.” He shook his head and laughed ruefully. “Wow, sorry. Kind of heavy for a date.”

“No, no. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with a completely screwed up childhood. I mean, you saw what my dad is like. He left us during my 11th birthday party and then he was absent the rest of my life. That is, unless he wanted something from me. Sometimes I think my mother has good intentions. But then she drugs you against your will to keep you from killing yourself and, I mean, we’ve all been there!” She tried to say it with a light tone, but the hurt was written all over her face.

Nathaniel smiled reassuringly and reached for her hand across the table. They held hands for a moment until the server returned with their wine.

“To broken people,” she lifted her wine glass.

“To broken people,” he agreed and they clinked their glasses together.

Their food was delivered shortly thereafter, to which Rebecca observed, “Only you would manage to order a pasta-less dish at an Italian restaurant.” He smirked and she dove into her meal immediately. “So is that why you’re such a jerk as a boss?” she asked offhandedly in between bites.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, your dad is super withholding and the only way you can get validation from him is through success in your work. Thus, you’re a jerk to your employees the way your dad was a jerk to you, ultimately to try to achieve the success that will earn his respect, ipso facto, then your dad will hug you,” she said all in one breath.

Nathaniel sat back in his chair, contemplating this. “I never thought of it that way.”

Rebecca continued to eat, unfazed by his realization. “Oooh, Nathaniel. Please get dessert with me. I saw this chocolate cake on the menu that sounds to-die-for.” Nathaniel shot her an incredulous look. “Come on, pleaseee.” She stuck out her lips in a pout and batted her eyelashes.

They split the chocolate cake, the split consisting of his taking one bite and her eating the rest.

As they waited for the check, Nathaniel cleared his throat with intention. “So, um, I wanted to ask you something. Or tell you something I guess.”

She furrowed her brow, confused and a little scared by whatever was coming.

“There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” he started. His tone wavered as he spoke and his eyes darted between her face and the table. “Even though we’ve only been seeing each other for a short time, I care about you. A lot.” Her throat felt dry. “What I’m trying to say is...if you feel the same way...I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?!” she squealed involuntarily. All of her prior heartfelt introspection about her readiness for a relationship flew out the window. Again, the woman at the table next to them shot her a look. “Sorry, sorry. Yes, I want to be your girlfriend.” Her heart raced and she had the overwhelming urge to go to his side of the table and kiss him right there in front of the whole restaurant. But she kept her composure while he paid the check.

In the parking lot, he guided her to the car with a hand on the small of her back. Once they got to the car, he looked around and then, satisfied no one was watching, pressed her body up against the car with his and started kissing her deeply. His hands cupped either side of her face and she tilted her head, opening her mouth to him. She rubbed her hands up and down his chest under his suit jacket. Finally up close to him, she could smell a hint of aftershave mixed with his distinct scent that was decidedly male. His hands moved to her waist, feeling her curves there and she couldn’t believe that they had an hour car ride ahead of them. She could feel him hardening against her and she slid her body up against his purposefully, which made him make a sound low in his throat. After a few minutes of shamelessly making out, the sound of clicking heels on the pavement signalled someone was approaching. They reluctantly separated and got into the car.

The drive home started out in tense silence. She didn’t even want to look over at him because she knew how fucking hot he looked and didn’t even want that temptation right now. She was reeling from the entire evening. While she shouldn’t have been surprised by his admission of feelings - he had said as much before - it was still jarring to hear it from the same man who had also called monogamy boring and their clients “needy whores.”

Her thoughts were interrupted by his hand on top of her thigh. She distracted herself by looking out the window. This man was going to kill her. He pushed the hem of her dress up slightly so he could have better access to her inner thigh, stroking the skin there lightly with his fingers. She tried to remain unaffected. When he got no reaction from her, his fingers climbed even higher up her thigh.

“Nope, nope, pull over,” she said with exasperation and threw her head back on the headrest.

“What?” he asked with mock-innocence, an arrogant smirk plastered on his dumb face.

“Come on, are you kidding me right now? Pull over.”

“Rebecca, I’m not pulling over on the 10 and letting a million people watch us have sex.”

“It’s dark! No one is going to see us.”

“I’m trying to give you a classy night here. And besides, my body is not built for sex in a car.” He had a point. He was probably too tall for it to be comfortable in any way.

She groaned and rolled her head against the headrest, facing him, and then broke out in a full-bodied laugh.

“What?”

“Every time we pass a street light, I can see the lipstick all over your mouth.” She cackled. He had lost the upper hand.

Without any further preamble, he pulled the car over on the side of the freeway. She unbuckled her seatbelt before they were fully stopped. He threw the car in park and did the same, quickly adjusting his seat to go as far back as possible. She awkwardly climbed over the center console and settled in his lap, hiking up her dress and not caring how undignified it looked.

Their lips crashed together and she whimpered loudly into his mouth. His hands roamed all over her body while she unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants. He pushed her panties to the side and found her center with his fingers. She was ready for him and she pushed back against his fingers, wanting more. She swatted the hand away, took his cock in her hand, and guided him inside her. They both groaned. She pressed her full weight down on him so he was buried impossibly deep inside her. He gripped her hips tightly holding them together for a moment before she starting moving up and down on him. Her knee was wedged painfully between the seat and the door, but the mixture of pleasure and pain just heightened her arousal. She had to bury her face in his neck so she wouldn’t hit her head on the roof. But she didn’t care because he was hitting that spot she needed and her clit was grinding against him with every thrust.

He let his head fall back against the headrest and she rocked back on her hips to see her face. “Oh god, Rebecca,” he moaned. Between the rumble of his voice and the look of unabashed pleasure on his face, she started coming apart around him. Their eyes locked and suddenly he was coming right along with her, holding on to her hips so hard that she wondered if it would leave bruises.

Once they regained their faculties, Rebecca unwedged herself from her position and fell back into her own seat. She took in his ruffled appearance. Lipstick was smeared all over his mouth and neck, and his dick rested limply against his open pants. She couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them, both horny idiots who couldn’t wait 45 minutes to jump each other.

He smiled back. “Classy evening, huh?”

Back on the road, she felt satiated both physically and emotionally.

“So should I call you something other than Nathaniel? Now that I’m your girlfriend and all. Your name has 3 syllables. It’s so long. Do your friends or family call you something else? Nathan? Nate? Nat?”

“Ew, Nat? What? No, I don’t do nicknames. Also, can I point out that Rebecca is also 3 syllables?”

“Huh, true.”

“Should I call you by a nickname? Becky, Becca,” he listed, with a tone that implied he didn’t like either option.

“No....I like the way you say my name,” she mused. Her mind drifted to the first night they slept together when he growled her name into her neck as he came.

He glanced over at her and said enticingly, “Rebecca.” He grinned at her mischievously, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Stop it. You’re a jerk.”

*****

The next week, much to Rebecca’s disappointment, Nathaniel started putting in longer hours at work. She had been on a high since Nathaniel asked her to be his girlfriend and she was desperate to be with him every moment. He was all she could think about. Without work or any other time-consuming hobbies, she had a lot of time on her hands to think about him and their relationship. When they were apart, she felt an actual pang deep in her stomach. He was her drug and she felt the withdrawals. She sat on her bed and stared at the Stanford t-shirt she had lifted from his apartment that weekend. She pressed it to her nose and inhaled deeply. She felt momentary relief. She took off her blouse and replaced with the t-shirt, throwing a maroon cardigan over it.

She checked her phone for the thousandth time that day. She had texted Nathaniel when she woke up that morning, but he hadn’t responded yet. She stared at the phone, trying to will a new text into existence. She went into the living area where Heather and Hector were sitting on the couch watching TV.

She began pacing back and forth behind the couch. As she walked back and forth, she balled up one of her hands in a fist and hit the inside of her other palm repeatedly. “So I haven’t seen Nathaniel since this weekend and I have nothing to do but be alone with my thoughts and now he’s not texting me,” she said in aggravation.

Heather and Hector looked back at her from the couch. “Um, what?” Heather asked.

“Usually he responds right away to my texts. But he hasn’t responded and I haven’t seen him in a few days, you know?”

“Ok…”

“You do know it’s 3pm on a Wednesday, right? And he’s like a big, fancy lawyer guy. So he’s probably working,” Hector offered.

“How long does it take to send a simple text!” she practically shouted at him. Hector recoiled. “Sorry, sorry...that anger was not meant to be directed at you and I apologize,” she said in a practiced tone.

“Hey, when do you see Dr. Shin next?” Heather asked.

Rebecca sighed. “It’s not a big deal, ok? I just want him to text me. I mean, what if something’s wrong? What if he got in a car accident? What if he was kidnapped and being held for ransom but his rich dad won’t hand over the money? What if he’s dead?”

“Whoa, whoa. Why don’t you just text Paula and ask if he’s at the office? Don’t they, like, work together?” Heather suggested.

“Oh my god, you’re brilliant!” She texted Paula.

_Is Nathaniel in the office right now?_

Paula immediately responded.

_Yea, he’s in his office. Why?_

“See, yep, he’s just at work. He’s at work. So why isn’t he texting me back? Maybe he’s having doubts about us. Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Maybe he regrets asking me to be his girlfriend.” Rebecca’s tone of voice was getting higher and higher with panic.

“And maybe he’s just busy at work. You can binge _Orange is the New Black_ with us if you want.”

The rest of the afternoon Heather and Hector tried their best to distract Rebecca from her spiraling thoughts. When watching TV wasn’t cutting it, they ordered a pizza and played Settlers of Catan twice. Rebecca destroyed Heather and Hector, even while battling her intrusive thoughts and constantly checking her phone.

“Ok, that’s it. I’m going over there,” Rebecca said after she finished counting her victory points.

“What?”

“I’m going to his apartment. It’s after 6. He should be done working by now, right? If he wants to break up with me, he has to do it in person, not just ghost me!” Before Heather could protest, Rebecca was out the door, leaving in a huff.

*****

“Ugh!” Rebecca groaned in frustration when Nathaniel didn’t answer his door. Where was he? Her stomach churned. What if he was avoiding her because he was with another woman? The thought was so debilitating, she leaned back up against the door and slid to the floor. She put her head in her hands and started to tear up. What was happening?

After an hour of sitting at his door in utter despair, Nathaniel showed up, looking completely exhausted. His tie was loosened and askew and his eyes were slightly puffy. Rebecca then realized how she must look - her mascara smudged from crying and wearing his Stanford t-shirt under her cardigan. She stood as he approached.

“Rebecca, what are you doing here?”

“Where were you?”

“I told you, I’ve been working late on the class action suit.”

“Why didn’t you respond to my texts today?”

He held his arms out in defeat. “I don’t know where my phone is. I either dropped it somewhere or I’m going to open this door and it will be sitting on the counter.”

She looked down at her shoes.

“Are you mad at me? Do you not trust me?” he asked, hurt laced in his voice. She still said nothing and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I am so tired right now. All I want is to just go to sleep.”

He got out his keys and opened the door. Nathaniel’s phone was sitting on the kitchen counter. He looked back at her with his eyebrows raised.

All the breath rushed out of her lungs. “I’m sorry.”

“When I look at my phone, how many messages are there going to be? Also, are you wearing my shirt?”

Rebecca felt completely overwhelmed with self-hatred. “I’m sorry. I…” her voice broke.

“Stop,” he held up a hand. “I don’t have the energy for this conversation right now. I’m going to get ready for bed. I just want to lie down and relax. You’re welcome to join me.”

She nodded and awkwardly stood by his dresser, watching him change into a gray t-shirt and black sweatpants. When he disappeared into the bathroom, she slipped into his bed and waited for him. He joined her a few minutes later, laying on his back and opening his arms to her. She tentatively nestled into his arms, resting her head on his chest. He closed his eyes and she felt his body begin to relax into the bed. She listened to his heartbeat and it began to calm her down.

After a few minutes, he broke the silence. “How has your therapy thing been going?” The question stung. Their tiptoeing around the subject of her therapy was officially over.

She swallowed. “I never miss a session. I’m working really hard.” When he said nothing, she started lose her cool, “Nathaniel, please don’t leave me.”

“Rebecca, I’m not breaking up with you. I just care about you and I don’t want you to fall apart when I have a busy day at work.”

“You’re right. You’re right. I’m such a stupid bitch. I just ruin every good thing in my life…”

He cut her off, “What? No, stop that.” He squeezed her closer to him. “Don’t say that about my girlfriend.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I see my doctor - his name is Dr. Shin - tomorrow.”

“I want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything.” He rubbed her back soothingly. “I was raised to never discuss things that are unpleasant. Anything bad that happened we swept under the rug. I don’t want it to be like that with us.”

She nodded against him, feeling lulled by his comforting touch. “I’m sorry for today,” she said softly.

“Rebecca, you know I can’t promise that we’ll never break up. But what I can promise is that I’ll never blindside you. I would never do what Josh did to you.”

“Ok.” She lifted her head and kissed him softly, then settled into the crook of his arm. They were both asleep within minutes.

*****

“What’s wrong Rebecca?” Dr. Shin asked, her distress obviously written all over her face.

She looked down at her hands, fidgeting nervously. “I freaked out on Nathaniel yesterday. He didn’t answer my texts and I went full-blown crazy on him.” She told Dr. Shin about the previous day, trying to be as honest as possible. She had taken Nathaniel’s words to heart. She wasn’t sweeping this under the rug.

“And have you ever behaved this way in the past?”

Rebecca squeeze her eyes shut, frustrated with where she knew this conversation was going. “Ok, yes, I’ve...overreacted before.”

“And why do you think that is?”

She sighed. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe because I have a deadbeat, abandoning father and now I automatically assume every man will leave me? So if I get the slightest indication I’m going to be abandoned, I cling to them as hard as I can? Am I in the ballpark? Oh, and by the way, they DO all leave me so it’s not exactly an unfounded fear.”

“Rebecca, do you think you’re in a good place to have a relationship right now?” There it was. She knew it was coming and now her fear was verbalized, out in the open.

“Dr. Shin, please, I really like this guy. He’s smart and witty and thoughtful. And he cares about me. He knows about my past and he accepts me. He knows about my BPD…”

“I didn’t ask if he was ready. I asked if you were.”

She shook her head, wanting this line of questioning to stop. “So what, I can never have a great relationship because I have BPD?”

“No, not at all. I just want you to reflect on your behavior and what is healthy for you right now.”

“Dr. Shin, I want to learn how to have a good relationship,” her eyes pleaded with him. “There’s something you need to understand. This is the most honest I’ve been with a man...ever. It would blow your mind if you knew the sheer amount of scheming I’ve done in the past to get a man to like me or even just to notice me. But I haven’t done any of those things with Nathaniel. Despite my behavior yesterday, I do think I’m a healthier version of myself with him than with Josh or any other man I’ve been with. Please don’t make me break up with him.”

Dr. Shin looked at her sympathetically. “Rebecca, I’m not going to make you do anything. If you’re going to continue this relationship, what I would suggest is setting healthy boundaries to avoid having another incident like you did yesterday.”

“Ok, healthy boundaries. Sure....and what does that mean exactly?”

“Slow things down. It’s ok to have some space between you. Try to focus on other things in your life so he doesn’t dominate all your thoughts. Try a new hobby, spend time with your friends, help others.”

She nodded, “Ok, I hear what you’re saying. I’m taking it in. Boundaries. I’m all about boundaries. I’m going to get an A+ in healthy boundaries.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


	2. Why is Rebecca Pulling Away?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca is pulling away. Nathaniel feels insecure. Paula is the best while Nathaniel's father is the worst. Rebecca and Nathaniel work through some stuff.

“Listen dude, Rebecca’s not here,” Heather told Nathaniel, her arms crossed in front of her, annoyed. “I see you checking your phone, looking over your shoulder. I literally just saw her at home with Valencia. You’re not going to run into her here.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” he replied, raising his chin defensively. That was exactly what he was doing at Home Base at lunch time on a Wednesday.

There had been little contact from Rebecca since her promised appointment with Dr. Shin last week. When he tried to plan a weekend date, she responded with a short text: _Can’t. Busy helping Valencia plan an engagement party._ The last time he saw her she was drowning in anxiety over an unreturned text. Now, she was putting distance between them in a way that felt very intentional. The whiplash was real.

Heather rolled her eyes. “Whatever, are you going to order something or just mope here on the off-chance Rebecca shows up?”

“Fine, I’ll take some fries.” He slumped his shoulders in defeat.

Heather raised her eyebrows, surprised. “Looks like you two have something in common.” She pointed at White Josh who was sitting at the other end of the counter, head propped up in one of his hands, elbow on the counter, peering down at the untouched greasy fries like they were in a fierce staring contest.

After Heather disappeared into the back room, Nathaniel approached White Josh like he was wild animal that would spook if he moved too quickly.

“Uh, hey man.”

White Josh flinched, breaking his gaze. “Oh, hey.”

Nathaniel perched on the seat next to him. “I haven’t seen you around the office since you and Darryl...” he purposefully trailed off, hoping White Josh would help him out with the end of the sentence. White Josh just nodded in acknowledgement and pursed his lips. After a beat of silence, Nathaniel offered, “Well, I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. We just want different things. It was totally mutual.” While he said the words with conviction, it was obvious he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

White Josh then pivoted the attention away from he and Darryl. “So Hector told me you’re dating Rebecca. Good luck with that. I swear I will never understand why everyone is so in love with her. And someone like you...you could have anyone you wanted. Why settle?”

Nathaniel scoffed. “What? I’m not settling.”

“Listen, dude, all she’s gonna do is fuck up your life, just like she does with everyone else.” White Josh’s tone was unapologetically bitter.

Nathaniel winced. “Wow, that’s harsh.” He wondered how much the break up was factoring into his severe assessment of Rebecca. Still, the words hurt and, while he knew some of what happened between she and Josh, he so badly wanted to believe that they were different.

White Josh continued, “Look at Josh. She basically broke up his relationship with Valencia, rushed him into a wedding, and then stalked him after they broke up. And Greg - ”

“Hold on, who’s Greg?” Nathaniel interrupted, a pit forming in his stomach.

“Yet another friend of ours caught up in her web. She jerked him around for months and then dropped him as soon as Josh showed her a hint of interest. And it broke him. He got a DUI the night she left him for Josh. I mean, he literally had to move away to get away from her.” White Josh let out a rueful, staccato laugh.

“Wait, what?”

“To be fair, he also moved away to go to business school. But still.” White Josh shrugged.

Nathaniel sat in stunned silence. He tried to take the words with a grain of salt. After all, this was obviously someone who was not Rebecca’s biggest fan and clearly struggling with his separation with Darryl. But he knew Rebecca was a tornado. Would he be another mess left in her destructive path?

White Josh released a tired sigh after regarding Nathaniel’s disheartened expression. “Listen, I’m not trying to be judgy here. I’m just trying to warn you. I mean, what game is she playing with you now? Why are you here ordering fries in the middle of a work day? You don’t look like a guy who eats fries...or takes lunches.” Nathaniel hadn’t even noticed that Heather dropped off the fries, but now they were sitting accusingly in front of him.

Nathaniel peeked down at his phone again. His instinct was to deny there was any problem, but he had nothing to lose by being honest with White Josh. “She’s, um, she’s been pulling away lately. Texting me less...I didn’t even see her this weekend. She blew me off, saying she was helping Valencia plan some party.” His eyes met White Josh’s and he gave Nathaniel a decidedly smug look. In response, Nathaniel shook his head and blew a raspberry with his lips. He abruptly changed his tone to mask his apprehension.“Hey, it’s fine. She’s just busy. She has her own life, right?”

White Josh arched an eyebrow at him and the pit in Nathaniel’s stomach morphed into a tightly wound ball. “Wow, yea, classic Rebecca. She’s pulling some kind of stunt and you won’t realize what it is unless it’s too late.”

Suddenly Nathaniel wasn’t hungry anymore.

*****

Later, back at the office, Nathaniel couldn’t focus. White Josh’s words reverberated in his mind. Just last week Rebecca had a meltdown when he didn’t text her for a day. And now she was the one being distant. He brooded over the thought that she would deliberately toy with his emotions. He squeezed his eyes shut and willed the rational part of his brain to take over. It was silly for him to sit and stew over something that could easily be resolved through one conversation, he reasoned. Yes, he just needed to see her and clear the air. Though there was no one in his office to observe him, he made a show of picking up the phone as casually as possible and typing the message.

_Hi, I know you’ve been busy, but I would like to see you Friday after work if you’re free. Your place. I’ll bring wine._

Bubbles immediately popped up in the text window, indicating that she was typing a response. Then they vanished. After several moments of waiting, he accepted with resignation that he was not going to get a prompt answer.

Through the glass of his office door, he observed a focused Paula typing away at her computer. He tried to suppress the urge to be undeniably unprofessional by bringing up his relationship with Rebecca to her. But he regarded his phone again, mockingly textless, and his anxiety won out, propelling him from his desk chair into the bullpen.

He strode up to her desk and attempted to be nonchalant by leaning awkwardly against the ledge. “Um, hey Paula.”

“Hey, I’ll get you the edits on that brief by the end of the day,” she said, without looking up from her monitor.

“Right, great.” He scanned the area to make sure no one was eavesdropping and then cleared his throat. “So, I assume Rebecca mentioned that she and I...” He let the end of the sentence hang in the air.

Paula stopped typing. Her eyes darted around the bullpen, on alert for any potential listeners. Tim, Jim, and Maya were nearby but didn’t appear to be interested in overhearing their conversation. “Yes,” she replied carefully.

Nathaniel kept his voice low. “I really, really hate to do this, but I know you’re her best friend. She’s been pulling away and - ”

Paula waved her hand at him. “Bup bup bup. I should not get involved in this,” she started, but then she regarded his despondent expression and seemed to take pity on him. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Ok, how do I explain this?”

Nathaniel subtly tilted his head in the direction of Tim, Jim, and Maya, who were inching closer, and Paula nodded with understanding.

“So you know how Rebecca loves...donuts?” She gestured to the box of donuts sitting on the ledge of her desk.

“Sure…”

“And you know how Rebecca has a tendency to eat a lot of donuts all at once?”

Nathaniel furrowed his brow.

Paula plowed on, “It makes her feel good and she gets all hyped up on sugar, right? She gets a kind of high from it. But then, if someone suddenly takes away the donuts or threatens not to bring the donuts anymore, she has a big sugar crash.” She emphasized the last three words. “She recently had a pretty big one. You get what I’m saying?”

Memories came flooding back to him, unbidden. Rebecca’s wedding. The utter devastation written on her face when she said, “It’s my fault they don’t love me.” The morning after the masquerade party. “He left me at my wedding. He just left me,” she had said, barely stifling the hurt. Rebecca sitting on his doorstep last week, hopeless and lost, mascara smeared under her eyes.

“I get it,” he said softly. “But I’m...I’m not Josh. I’m not going to -”

Paula cut him off. “No no no, it’s not about you. It’s about her. She needs to learn to limit herself to a healthy amount of donuts. So, say hypothetically, if you do take away the donuts one day, she won’t, you know…”

Despite how depressed he felt at the thought that Rebecca needed to stop seeing him to be healthy, he attempted to keep his face neutral and unaffected. “Wow, got it. You’re really good with metaphor, huh?”

“Why thank you, kind sir,” Paula said and did the best mock-courtesy she could from a sitting position. She regarded his clenched jaw and unfocused eyes, and her maternal instinct kicked into gear. “Listen, Nathaniel, just go over there tonight and talk to her. It will be ok, I promise.”

He checked his phone. Still no text. “I have something tonight but I’m trying to get her to see me Friday. So, um, thank you. I’m glad Rebecca has a friend like you.”

Paula looked taken aback by the sentiment at first but smiled back warmly. The elevator doors dinged and her smile faded as quickly as it appeared. Nathaniel followed her gaze until he spotted a gruff-looking Nathaniel Plimpton II marching into the office. A surprise visit. How aggravatingly typical.

Nathaniel abruptly straightened his posture. He mentally cursed his involuntarily sweaty palms, wiping them discreetly on his pants, and then strode purposefully to greet his father. The look on his face indicated this was not a friendly visit - not that it ever was.

They shook hands formally. “Hey, Pops,” Nathaniel said with forced enthusiasm. Nathaniel II frowned. “I mean, welcome sir. Step into my office.”

After seated in Nathaniel’s office, his father launched into business with no preamble. “Nathaniel, I’m here to check in on the class action suit. I have some concerns.”

Nathaniel provided a succinct update on their proceedings, highlighting the great progress he and Darryl made so far. Displeasure radiated off of his father and Nathaniel held his breath, expecting the worst.

“What I really want to know is why is Darryl on this case instead of Rebecca Bunch. The whole reason we were interested in this firm was her performance in the water case. This is her wheelhouse. And you have confirmed she is the best attorney here.”

Nathaniel swallowed hard. He neglected to tell his father about Rebecca’s absence or about her resignation just prior to her suicide attempt. When he had tried to replace Rebecca with Cornelia, it failed so spectacularly that he hid that fact as well. His father was notoriously unsympathetic to sick leave and he certainly was not well-versed in the nuance of mental illness.

Nathaniel II continued in his characterically authoritative timbre, “Furthermore, she has been noticeably absent on several cases that would have been a slam dunk for her. And I don’t see her here today either. Is something going on that you’re not telling me? Did she get poached by another firm? Did she go back to New York?”

Nathaniel fidgeted nervously and shifted in his chair. He noticed several faces in the bullpen watching him through the glass. The door was shut but clearly they could still hear some of the conversation. Paula’s face was apologetic. “Um, Rebecca is currently on short-term medical leave, which I approved.” He tried to say it as confidently as he could muster.

Nathaniel II’s mouth upturned slightly into a hint of a smile. “Interesting, because I heard a rumor that she resigned,” he said smugly. Nathaniel felt sick.

“No, sir. She is on medical leave and will be returning.”

“Medical leave? I hope you’re joking. We don’t believe in sick, remember? If it’s not cancer, you come to work. In fact, most cancers…”

“...are a half-day. I know, sir. But everything is under control here and we are covering for her until she can come back to work.”

“We can replace her. Let’s get someone from our LA office in here.”

“No, no, no. I can assure you she will be back soon.” Between his father’s lack of trust in him to run the firm and his barely hidden derision for a person he cared deeply for, Nathaniel was losing patience fast.

“Don’t be stubborn. It sounds like she’s a weak link. I thought she had potential, but maybe we were wrong.” Nathaniel II twisted the knife further.

Nathaniel’s raised his voice. “No!” He immediately self-corrected, taking a beat to rebuild his composure. “Sorry, sir. She’s not replaceable, actually. She IS our best attorney. Regardless, you must know that legally we are required to allow medical leave.” Nathaniel was furious at himself for taking the bait, letting his father get to him yet again.

“Why are you defending her? I’ve never seen you go to bat for an employee like this.” Nathaniel went silent and pursed his lips. His father, with a subtle smile still lingering, cocked his head to the side and gave him a knowing look. “If she’s not on this case by the end of the month, I’m pulling you out of this office and replacing you with someone competent who doesn’t let their office chickadees take extended vacations.”

With that, Nathaniel II abruptly rose from his chair and the employees lingering outside the office scattered like a flock of frightened birds.

“Dad, come on,” Nathaniel called after him but didn’t follow.

When his father was safely on the elevator, Nathaniel put his head in his hands, crumbling. “Shit, shit, shit,” he muttered to himself. There was absolutely no way he would force Rebecca to come back to work before she was ready. That was a non-starter. If his father followed through on his threat, how would he and Rebecca cope with literal distance between them when they were already struggling? After a few minutes, there was a soft knock at his office door and Paula tentatively approached his desk.

“Hey...buddy. Thanks for standing up for my Cookie back there. I know you have this whole weird thing with your dad so that must have be hard.” He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. “And for what it’s worth, I’m glad Rebecca has a boyfriend like you.”

Nathaniel smiled weakly, “Thanks, Paula.”

Suddenly his phone vibrated.

_Ok, come over Friday at 7. Dress down. This date will be unfancy._

*****

Nathaniel spent entirely too much time deciding on an outfit. He was a man. He shouldn’t spend this much time thinking about what to wear. Yet, there he was, changing outfits like a makeover montage in a teen romantic comedy. She said to dress down, which was not something he did very often. He wanted to look relaxed, casual - like he hadn’t just spent half an hour tearing apart his dresser drawers. Finally he settled on a simple navy t-shirt and gray jersey joggers.

On the way to her apartment, as promised, he picked up a bottle of red wine and a bar of extra dark chocolate for good measure. He felt unusually nervous. Paula’s words still weighed heavily on his mind and he wasn’t sure how to broach the topic of her sudden pull back from their relationship.

“Hi.” Rebecca opened the door with a guarded smile. She was wearing very little makeup and a cotton pajama set that was black with white polka dots. Just the sight of her made him feel tingly all over. And as usual, she was maddeningly, enchantingly adorable. As if she read his mind, her eyes raked over his body in-kind and he shifted nervously under her scrutiny.

“Ah, you did good,” she said with approval and took his offering of wine and chocolate. Turning her back to him, she padded toward the kitchen and he followed obediently.

After she set two wine glasses down on the counter, he stepped into her personal space and gently lifted her chin to kiss her chastely. “Hey, it’s good to see you.” She returned the kiss, but he sensed hesitancy and she quickly broke eye contact with him to return to the task at hand. Not wanting to push any further, he backed off and watched her open and close drawers with swiftly escalating frustration.

She groaned, “Ugh, where is the corkscrew? Can you just check the nightstand in my bedroom? I think it might be there.” He smirked. “Oh, shut up. Sometimes a girl needs her bed wine.”

He dutifully went to her bedroom and, lo and behold, the corkscrew was on her nightstand just as she suspected. When he noticed the note he wrote her next to the bottle opener, warmth spread throughout his chest. He had agonized over and re-written the note so many times and now it was next to her bed, the paper worn with handling.

 _Dear Rebecca,_  
_You are one of the kindest, smartest, and sweetest people I’ve ever met. I’m here for you._  
_Nathaniel_

Surveying the rest of the room, he also spotted his Stanford t-shirt splayed across one of her pillows. The evidence of his presence in her life was right in front of him and it gave him a boost of confidence they could overcome whatever obstacle that was making her withdraw.

He returned to the kitchen and gave her the bottle opener.

“Ah, thank you.” She busied herself with opening the bottle and pouring each of them a glass.

“So...you’ve been busy this week, huh?”

“Yea, I volunteered to help Valencia plan this engagement party. It’s part of this whole ‘helping others’ thing I’m trying to do. Honestly I don’t think the girl really loves the guy. She’s kind of a dick to him. And she might be cheating on him. It’s a whole thing. Valencia told me I need to keep my mouth shut about it because it could hurt her business. Anyway…”

She handed a glass to him and they both sat on the couch. They clinked glasses and sipped the wine. He put his arm around the back of the sofa behind her and scooted close.

When Rebecca said nothing for several moments and still wouldn’t meet his eyes, he decided to forge forward with the conversation he had been wanting to have all week. “Rebecca, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Ok,” she said warily and put her glass down on the coffee table. She vibrated with tension.

“I understand that you have needed some space. I respect that. But we went from seeing each other almost every day for a month to you basically disappearing for a week. I want to know what’s going on -”

She scoffed, cutting him off, “Uh sorry that I have stuff going on in my life that doesn’t revolve around you.”

He paused for a moment, a bit stunned by how rapidly she became so defensive. “Oh no, that’s not what I meant at all.”

Rebecca leaned forward away from the back of the couch and crossed her arms in front of her. “No, I get it. I’m not at your beck-and-call for sex anymore and suddenly you have a problem?”

“Whoa, no. Rebecca, what’s happening right now?” He tried to meet her eyes but she avoided them. This conversation had turned on a dime and he was at a loss for how to diffuse it.

She stood, arms still crossed in front of herself protectively. Her words were halted and came out in short bursts. “Why do you even want this? You’re the one who said monogamy is terrible.” He opened his mouth to respond but she resumed before he had a chance to counter. “Remember, how horrible it is to be shackled to one person? It’s boring and the sex is lame,” she paraphrased back to him mockingly.

While her tone of voice was harsh, her face showed only fear. In an instant, he flashed back to when Rebecca gave a verbal lashing to her friends when confronted with her past. Her whole demeanor was eerily similar and he realized that she must feel cornered. At least this time he knew not to tell her to calm down.

Pushing down his frustration and panic, he stood and reached out to touch her arm. “Please just look at me. Why are you pushing me away?”

She recoiled from him and it felt like a slap in the face. He reacted without thinking, the words spilling out of him before he could catch himself, “Rebecca stop it, you’re splitting.”

Her eyes went wide as saucers. “Excuse me?” Now she finally met his eyes, but with a startling intensity, full of indignation. “Where did you hear that term?”

“I, um…” he stammered.

“Oh so now you know me so well because you did some creative Googling about BPD? You don't know what you’re talking about,” she spat at him.

“You’re right, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“You know what - I think I need to stop and take a breath, ok?” In a practiced manner, she put her hand on her own chest, over her heart, and deeply inhaled and exhaled. She did this three times, while he waited patiently. Then, she regarded him again, visibly calmer. When their eyes met this time, she softened a bit.

“Rebecca, I'm sorry I said that. I’m truly sorry. All I wanted to say is that I missed you and I think we could find a middle ground between being inseparable and not seeing each other at all. I just want you to tell me honestly why you’ve been distant.”

Still breathing deeply, she nodded and bit her lip. “Ok, I hear you. I’m listening to you.” She was quiet for a few beats and he let the moment breathe while she gathered her thoughts. “I’m sorry too. I lashed out and that wasn’t fair. Ok, here’s the thing...I’m trying really hard not to obsess over you like I did with Josh. Dr. Shin told me I should come up with boundaries. I guess pushing you away completely felt easier than trying to navigate a compromise.”

Tears pricked her eyes and she looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep them at bay. “Grey areas aren’t my strong suit and what you said...it was right.” She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” her voice broke. “I’m so afraid of repeating my past mistakes. I wish I could just be normal.”

“Come here,” he said softly and she willingly went into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist. Resting his chin on top of her head, he stroked her hair with one hand and held her back steadily with the other. He whispered into her hair, “I know you’re working really hard.” Against his chest, she nodded and let out a shuddering breath. “I’ve got you, Rebecca, ok? I’m not going anywhere.” Her arms tightened around him and he was content to hold her, swaying slowly, until her breathing slowed.

After several minutes, she pulled away and said with a hint of a smile, “I think I snotted on your shirt.” Her eyes were a little red but the tension emanating from her earlier had all but dissipated.

“It’s fine.”

“Hey, why don’t we watch a movie and get wine drunk and cuddle.”

He tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I would like that.”

“Oh, actually I wanted to talk to you about something too,” she said as she sat back down on the couch and picked up her wine glass. “I would like to come back to work soon...if the firm will take me back.”

“What?”

“It was good at the beginning to have time to focus on my therapy but now I think all this spare time is doing more harm than good, honestly. Not having any structure or focus is really making me get too in my head...as you can probably tell.”

Stunned by the timing of the admission, he searched her face for any inkling that Paula told her about the conversation with his father. But she seemed completely genuine.

“Wow, well, we would be happy to have you back whenever you’re ready. But we should probably keep our relationship quiet around the office, at least at first. I don’t want anyone to think I’m giving you preferential treatment.”

“But you are going to give me preferential treatment, right?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

He smirked. “We’ll see.”

She poured more wine into her glass, a heavy pour at that, and shifted her attention to the TV screen. “What are you in the mood to watch?”

“Let’s keep it light,” he offered.

“Good idea.” She clicked around for a while and then stopped suddenly and her face lit up with excitement. “Oh my gosh, can I show you something?”

“I have a feeling I don’t have a choice, but yes.” He was willing to sit through anything that would produce this kind of delight in her.

She clicked on an episode of a show called _Unlikely Animal Friends_. “Ok, so you need to see this. A horse and a kitten are best friends!” Her voice was animated and rapidly rising in pitch.

He laughed, “Are you serious right now?”

“Just watch! Just watch!”

As promised, a horse and a kitten frolicked around a stable together. The horse nuzzled the kitten and the kitten sometimes rode on the horse’s back. But what really made Nathaniel warm was her unbridled joy over the pairing.

“Aww,” she kept squealing every time the duo would embark on a new activity. When she saw his face, laughing at her in disbelief, she exclaimed, “How can you not love this? They’re two cute animals that would never normally be together but they love each other!”

“What I love is how cute you are right now,” he replied and kissed her temple.

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder and cradling her wine glass against her chest. He pulled her close and hooked his free arm under her legs to hoist them across his lap. Curled into him, she rubbed her free hand over the softness of his shirt and then buried her nose in it and hummed. From all their overnights, he knew how much she was drawn to smell. He caught her numerous times smelling his pillow or articles of clothing. And every time, it tugged at his heart. He assumed it must be comforting, the way a child might be soothed by the touch or smell of a certain blanket.

He felt overwhelmed with the urge to completely engulf her protectively with his body, as if his physical form could shield her from every hurt she’s endured. His stomach clenched at the feeling - there were so many things he wanted to say to her but couldn’t. Not yet, anyway. It was too fast, too soon in their relationship. His feelings had been simmering at a slow boil from the moment they shared the kiss in the elevator. Meanwhile she had been fighting her own battles, Nathaniel probably just a distant murmur in the background of her frenzied mind. He accepted this disparity and buried his feelings deep down so he wouldn’t rush her. He was an expert in hiding his feelings anyway - he spent most of his life putting on a brave face in front of his parents. So he tried to just embrace the moment, cuddling her close, while they watched - oh god, now it was a dog and a baby cheetah. Rebecca’s body had melded to his, feeling heavy and relaxed.

“It’s like I’m the cheetah and you’re the dog,” she said drowsily and with a hint of tipsiness.

“Uh huh,” he agreed, though he had completely lost track of the story due to his wandering mind. “Hey, did you know cheetahs are the fastest land animal? They can get up to 70 miles per hour in 3 seconds. And if you watch their tails, you can see they use it for balance and it’s kind of like a steering mechanism...” he trailed off when he noticed Rebecca’s incredulous side eye staring up at him. “Never mind.”

After the segment ended, Rebecca lifted her head and nuzzled his neck. “I want to live right here,” she slurred, trailing kisses up his throat to his jaw. She discarded her wine glass and slid onto his lap so she was straddling him and rubbed her hands up and down his chest. “I like when you’re soft,” she said and he wasn’t sure if she meant his clothes, his demeanor, or both. Her gaze was a little unfocused and he could smell the dark aroma of wine on her breath.

She kissed him then, her lips dragging over his slow, deep, and sweet. He let her take the lead, and when he circled her waist with his hands, she moved them to cup her breasts as she rolled her hips leisurely over him in exquisite torture. Her hands played at the back of his neck, threading the short hairs through her fingers. The pace was agonizingly slow but it wasn’t long before he got aroused anyway, the evidence pressing into her insistently. The whimpering sounds she made didn’t help the situation and he started to worry that he was getting too close too quickly.

“Hey, let’s move to the bedroom,” he suggested.

Her head lolled onto his shoulder, her eyes closing. “Carry me, I’m too tired to walk.”

Oh no. This was not the kind of enthusiastic consent he strived for in a sexual encounter. He sighed as she continued to cling to him, “Rebecca, come on, I can’t get up like this.”

“Seems like you got it up just fine,” she murmured into his neck. When he made no move to stand, she finally untangled herself from him and walked to the bedroom on uneasy legs.

“How much did you have to drink?” he asked as she laid down.

She ignored the question and grabbed his Stanford t-shirt, throwing it unceremoniously on to the floor next to the bed. “You weren’t supposed to see that. I’m not obsessed with you.”

He smiled. “I know.”

“Nathaniel, stop standing there being weird and go get a condom.” She snuggled deeper into her pillow.

Still unsure how to proceed, he left her and went to bathroom. She and Heather shared a communal box of condoms, a fact which she had previously tried to convince him was totally normal. There was a pill bottle on the vanity with Rebecca’s name on it. The date of prescription was recent. She never mentioned that she started a new medication and he wondered if she should be drinking on it. Or if she even knew whether she should drinking on it. Maybe it was too early in the relationship to expect full disclosure about sensitive topics like this, but he couldn’t help feeling a little discouraged by the omission. Still, tonight they worked through something difficult and they were slowly inching in the right direction. Baby steps.

After taking a moment to let his erection subside, he returned to the bedroom empty-handed and found her lightly snoring into her pillow. Thankful he wouldn’t have to talk her out of having sex, he settled down next to her. He put an arm around her lower back and pulled her close to him, their noses almost touching. He watched her face, peaceful and serene, and matched his breath with hers until it lulled him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the next chapter...
> 
> Can Nathaniel be Trusted?
> 
> (Unofficial title: I'm Jacked on Hormones!)
> 
> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


	3. Can Nathaniel Be Trusted?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca gets jacked on hormones to donate her eggs to Darryl, but is keeping it a secret from Nathaniel. Meanwhile, Nathaniel apparently has a secret of his own.

As Rebecca rode the elevator up to the office, she mentally prepared herself for the inevitable onslaught of questions and overbearing well-wishes from her office mates. It was her first day back at work and she was a bundle of nerves. Unable to merely stand still, she used the reflection of the elevator doors to smooth down her unruly curls and make a final bra adjustment. She knew Nathaniel would have her back in scaring off the hoards. They agreed not to broadcast their relationship until the dust settled, but yelling at everyone to get back to work was business as usual for him, and she planned to use that to her advantage.

In addition to her first-day jitters, Rebecca was also on edge from the hormones she began injecting the night before. Like many of her decisions since she moved to West Covina, donating an egg to Darryl was an impulsive one. She convinced herself that the good deed was no big deal and would barely be a blip on the radar of her life. At least that’s how she justified not telling Dr. Shin and Nathaniel. Dr. Shin told her to focus on helping others and that’s what she was doing! He didn’t need to know every little detail about her life, right? But as her body started to burn up and she could feel the hormones start to take effect, she worried she couldn’t keep it a secret from Nathaniel for much longer.

When the elevator doors opened, she made a quiet beeline for her old cube and tried not to draw any undue attention to herself. At her desk she found a takeaway coffee cup, still hot, with _Welcome back, Bunch_ written on the side in Nathaniel’s unmistakable scribble. A small sip confirmed that it was a chai tea latte, her favorite. What an adorable dork.

She looked up into Nathaniel’s office through the glass, hoping to catch his eye, but he was meeting with Darryl and the door was shut.

Just then Paula walked up to her desk from the break room with two paper plates. “Hey, welcome back. I grabbed a s’mores donut for you before those other animals could get their paws all over them.” Wow, how lucky was she to have these two adorable dorks?

Rebecca picked up the donut and smelled it. “Ah, it’s like I never left. Thank you, Momma.”

“You’re welcome, my dear. Hey, that’s cute,” Paula remarked, pointing at Rebecca’s coffee cup.

“Yea...oh, we’re still keeping that on the down low for now, so shhhh.”

“Got it. Honey, you are sweating up a storm,” Paula said, pointing a finger and making a swirling motion around Rebecca’s face.

“Am I?” Rebecca wiped her forehead. “Oh god, it’s the hormones. It’s starting.”

Nathaniel’s office door opened and he stuck his head out. “Miss Bunch, can you join us please?” His face and tone of voice had none of the tenderness and care she had become accustomed to over the past two months and it was a little jarring to see him back in this work mode.

When Rebecca entered Nathaniel’s office, Darryl greeted her with a hug. “Rebecca, I’m so glad you’re back! Happy first day! I was just telling Nathaniel about how you started the injections yesterday. I’m so excited for our little miracle!” He reached out to touch her abdomen but then thought better of it and pulled his hand back. “Anyway, I’m so happy you’re here. I have some names ideas to bounce off of you later.”

Rebecca’s eyes went wide and then darted between Darryl and Nathaniel. “Um…” she began.

Nathaniel cleared his throat, “Rebecca, you’re going to be joining us on the class action suit. I want you to work closely with Darryl this week to get up to speed and then take the lead if this goes to trial.” She nodded. “Darryl, I need to speak with Rebecca alone now.”

“Got it, boss. Just come by my office when you’re ready to start,” Darryl said to Rebecca as he skipped out of the office.

“Nathaniel…” she started as soon as the door closed.

“Let me get this straight. You are donating your eggs to Darryl so that the two of you can have a baby together?”

“Not exactly. I mean, the baby won’t be mine. Listen, I was going to tell you.”

His jaw clenched. He looked so tightly wound she worried he might break a blood vessel. “Great, well, thanks for letting me hear it from Darryl. Now get back to work. And stop sweating all over my office! Did you just run a marathon? Actually, I take that back, maybe you took a walk around the block?”

Rebecca couldn’t help but get defensive at his derisive tone. “Hey buddy, it’s my body. I can do whatever I want with it and I don’t need permission from you!”

“Whatever, just get out of my office!” He stood and pointed to the door.

“Fine, it’s too hot in here anyway!” She stomped back to her cube and flopped back down in her chair, all the while wiping the excessive sweat from her forehead.

Paula, noticing her dramatic exit, rolled her chair up to their shared cubicle wall. “What just happened?”

“Nathaniel was really not nice to me back there,” she said, patting her forehead with a napkin. “I mean, to be honest, it was also kinda sexy. Like I wouldn’t be opposed to him throwing me down on the desk and...” On Paula’s horrified expression, Rebecca immediately backtracked, “Sorry, too much. These hormones are also making me really horny. Anyway, he’s mad I didn’t tell him about donating the eggs.”

“You didn’t tell him you were donating your eggs?! Rebecca, you’re going to be jacked on hormones the next 10 days and then you’re creating a life with another person! That’s a big deal!”

“Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Sweetie, I am on your side. Always. Just…”

Rebecca rested her forehead against her two pointer fingers. “I know, I know. You’re right. I should have told him.”

A welcome brigade of Jim, Tim, and Maya, all wearing bright pink party hats, interrupted their conversation. Nathaniel was certainly not going to provide any backup and she swore she saw a hint of a smug grin on his face.

*****

Later, after work, Rebecca dropped by his apartment, prepared to eat crow. Nathaniel answered the door still in his work clothes, his face still tense and drawn.

“I’m sorry,” she said, launching right into it before he could even greet her. “I’m supposed to be doing the honesty thing and I already fucked up. I’m sorry.”

He looked down at his feet and sighed. “Ok, come in.” He moved aside so she could come in, and she noticed his laptop was open on the kitchen counter, filling the room with blue light.

“Sorry, if you’re still working, I can…”

“No, no, let’s talk.” He gestured for her to sit on the couch with him. He loosened his tie and dragged his hand over his face. “I’m sorry too. I know I wasn’t the nicest person to you today. When you came to my office, Darryl had just told me the news and...if we’re being honest, the thought of you having a baby with someone made me feel all kinds of strange feelings.”

“That’s fair. I guess I should have realized that you may have feelings about this too.”

“Why are you doing this?”

That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? “You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Dr. Shin told me to focus on aspects of my life that don’t involve romantic relationships. So I’ve been doing this thing where I try to help my friends. I helped Valencia plan that engagement party...or, at least, I tried to help. And then when I saw how upset Darryl was when his other egg donor didn’t work out...in the moment it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“I mean, it is a great thing you’re doing for Darryl. But...what does it mean for you when the baby comes?” His face was etched with genuine concern.

“This is 100% Darryl’s baby. I’m just providing the, admittedly not great, genetic material.”

Nathaniel considered this for a moment. “But...how will it make you feel to have a baby around that is technically your biological child? How will it affect your health?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I really hate admitting this out loud, because it’s just another reminder of how fucking not normal I am, but...I don’t think I want children, maybe ever. I’ve never been very maternal or felt that whole ticking biological clock thing. I mean, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, right?” She let out a small, nervous laugh and searched his face for any sign discomfort with her admission. “Is that...a dealbreaker for you?”

He exhaled sharply, “Actually, it’s a relief. I feel the same way. And, in my experience, it’s rare to find someone who is on the same page about that.”

Trying to lighten the mood, Rebecca blurted out, “But who will be Nathaniel Plimpton the fourth?! Ew, actually just saying that out loud kind of grosses me out.”

“That name is not a legitimate reason to bring another life into the world, despite what my father may think.”

“Plus, does that mean we would have to keep having children until we got a boy to carry on the name? How disgustingly patriarchal.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized all the implications she made by invoking the word “we.” “Sorry, was that too much?”

He chuckled. “It’s fine.” He scooted closer to her on the couch, putting a hand through her hair rubbing the base of her scalp. “Ok, you are sweating a lot. Is this the hormones?”

“Yea, they really kicked into gear today. I’m hot as hell and my whole body is kinda achy,” she said, rolling her shoulders. “They’re also making me horny. Like, ridiculously horny. So, can we have sex now please? I’m super fertile, though, so we have to be careful. Oh and also, don’t touch my boobs.”

“And they say romance is dead,” he deadpanned.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is me throwing myself at you a problem all of a sudden?”

He threw his hands up in front of him in surrender. “No problem here.”

She grabbed his tie, pulling him toward her into a kiss, and then rose from the couch still leading him by his tie. “Ok, let’s go, Plimpton. Chop chop.”

“This is unbelievable,” he replied and hoisted her up around the waist and bent her over his shoulder into a fireman’s carry. She squealed and slapped his back playfully. “Is this display of caveman-like agility turning you on?” he asked over his shoulder.

“I’m going to kill you,” she said, but she couldn’t suppress her giggles as he carried her to the bed.

He deposited her on the soft mattress, with one arm supporting her lower back and one cradling her head. Settling with his forearms propped up on either side of her, he gazed down at her for a moment and suggested, “How about I give you a little massage first? Help with those achy muscles?”

She bit her lip, mentally weighing how good it would feel to get a massage against how much longer she could go without a release from her pent-up arousal. While she was contemplating, he got up next to the bed and removed his suit jacket and tie. When he rolled up the sleeves on his dress shirt, exposing his muscled forearms, she lost all train of thought.

He sat back against the headboard and spread his legs apart. “Come on,” he beckoned, opening his arms to her. She wordlessly followed, resting her back against his chest. His hands came up to rub her shoulders and it became clear she made the right choice. He was solid and sturdy and anchoring her, and she instantly felt her tension get smoothed away by his touch. When she craved the feeling of his hands on her bare skin, she grabbed the ends of her t-shirt and pulled it up over her head, and he took the hint, kneading her shoulder and neck muscles deeper.

Pushing her hair to the side, he planted a kiss on the side of her neck. “My god, you really are sweaty. Do I need to get the period sex towel out?”

Choosing to ignore his remark, she leaned into his touch, reveling in how strong his hands felt on her and imagining how they would feel on other parts of her body. She let her head roll back onto his shoulder and moaned appreciatively, so he took advantage of her exposed neck, trailing kisses there and tasting her sweat.

He snaked his hand down the front of her body and under the waistband of her leggings. Pressing the heel of his palm against her clit, he slipped a finger into her. “Jesus Rebecca, how are you this wet already?”

“Hmm...I told you,” she mumbled, slightly raising her hips to grind against his hand. He pushed another finger inside her and she groaned, “Ok I’m worried if we don’t have sex right now I might actually die.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Nathaniel got off the bed and removed his clothes while Rebecca awkwardly slid her leggings and underwear off, throwing them off the side of the bed. Dressed only in a fuschia sports bra, she laid on her stomach, pushing her ass up and looking back over her shoulder.

“Wow,” was all he could say at this animalistic display. He grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and offered it to her. “Hey, use this pillow at least.”

“Nathaniel! Stop being so nice right now. I need you to channel baaad Nathaniel.” He shrugged to himself and threw the pillow back to its original spot. Getting impatient, she reached down and started rubbing herself, her hips still raised in the air. She closed her eyes and tried to tamp down her frustration while Nathaniel wordlessly finished undressing.

A few moments later she felt the bed dip behind her. She gasped when he forcefully grabbed her wrist and pushed it into the small of her back, restraining her arm. Holding it in place, he licked her with the flat of his tongue, starting with her clit and dragging it up to her opening. He did this repeatedly at a maddeningly slow pace. Unable to hold herself back, she moaned freely and greedily pushed her hips back into his face, hungry for more. After spending a few more moments relishing her, he got up on his knees, released her arm, and took her by surprise by thrusting into her with no warning.

She gripped the comforter and braced herself on her forearms, while he slammed into her over and over, finally giving her what she needed. A primal, guttural noise escaped from her throat and all she could think was don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop. She wanted him harder and deeper and faster, but mostly she just needed him to not stop ever.

As she hurtled toward climax at an unprecedented pace, he suddenly leaned forward, his chest grazing her back, and wrapped his hand possessively around her neck, not applying any pressure, but just holding her there. “Is this what you want?” he purred into her ear, and she arched her back against him in response. “You want to be fucked?” Ugh, that bastard always knew exactly what to say to push her over the edge.

And then she was coming, losing control beneath him. He moved his hand from her neck to roughly grab a handful of her hair and it just spurred her on faster. She felt the orgasm rock through her entire body, her nerves firing in every direction. It was so intense, her forearms gave out and her head slumped down into the bed. Meanwhile, his hips jerked erratically against her and she heard him say her name over and over like a prayer until his movements slowed and he fell back on the bed beside her, panting with effort.

Mirroring him, she rolled onto her back, her hand resting over her heart where it was pounding beneath her flesh. Her body was on fire and there was a momentary ringing in her ears as she came down. After a few minutes, Nathaniel rolled to his side and reached for her, but she pushed him away and said, “No, no touching.”

Nathaniel went to the bathroom first to dispose of the condom and when he returned, he looked down at her with a smile playing at his lips. “We should have put down the towel,” he said playfully and planted a kiss on her forehead before laying down in a dry section of the bed.

“Are you ready for 10 days of this?” she asked, still staring at the ceiling.

“I think we’ll manage.”

*****

[The next week was a flurry of hard work both in the office and in the bedroom. Rebecca continued to be exhaustingly insatiable and Nathaniel just tried to keep up.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565780/chapters/33657441) A few times she tried to bait him into having sex in the office supply closet, but he always made her wait until the end of the day, which only heightened her anticipation for their sexual encounters.

One of the last nights of her hormone injections, as they both lay on the bed, spent, Nathaniel asked, “The retrieval is on Thursday, right?”

Rebecca propped herself up on her elbow and confirmed, “Yep, two more days. You can still drive me home, right?

“Yea, it’s not that. I’m just afraid my dick might fall off soon if we keep going at this pace, and I don’t think it’s the kind of appendage that grows back.”

“Wow, complaints about too much sex from the man who tried to seduce me in a dirty elevator.”

He laughed in a huff and then got up, heading toward the bathroom. “Are you going to stay? Want to shower?”

“Actually, I forgot a change of clothes and I’m drenched as usual, so I’m just going to head home.” She got up off the bed and started putting her clothes back on. “See you tomorrow? Last day of this madness.”

“Ok bye.” He gave her a peck on the lips and then disappeared into the bathroom. A few seconds later, the water began to run and Rebecca finished putting on her clothes, cringing at the feeling of dampness against her skin.

On her way out, a flashing from Nathaniel’s laptop, sitting innocently on the kitchen counter, caught her eye. The unmistakable blue Facebook interface stared back at her - he had received a private Facebook message. She ventured cautiously over to the laptop, looking over her shoulder, back toward the bathroom. He would never know if she took a little peek.

She expanded the messenger window to find a conversation between Nathaniel and a pretty brunette named Mona Smith. “Oh no, oh no,” she said to herself. Taking a deep breath, she scrolled to the beginning of their conversation, which had a timestamp of about a month prior.

_**Mona** : Hey! Great to run into you today and reconnect despite the circumstances._

_**Nathaniel** : It was nice to catch up. See you soon!_

_**Mona** : Count on it._

Rebecca’s stomach dropped. What was this? Was he planning to meet up with this woman behind her back? Then there was a time jump in their conversation to about a week later.

_**Mona** : So that was pretty intense today._

_**Nathaniel** : Yea, I’m exhausted._

What...the...fuck. She read the message several times, her anxiety growing exponentially each time. Then she read the message that had popped up just moments ago.

_**Mona** : So will I see you tomorrow? Same time, same place. ;)_

Rebecca could barely breathe. She fled the apartment, her shaky legs barely able to carry her to her car. Nathaniel was cheating on her?! They had sex all the time - what reason would he possibly have to stray? What was he getting from this Mona that he wasn’t from her?

Safely back in the confines of her car, she texted Paula.

_MAJOR CODE YELLOW_

_Honey you know I don’t have that chart anymore._

_Man problems. Meet me at SugarFace before work tomorrow at 8._

_Copy that._

*****

The next morning, when Paula met Rebecca, she was already at a table with a dozen donuts.

“Wow...you look awful,” Paula said as she sat across from her, observing the dark circles under Rebecca’s eyes and her accompanying vacant stare.

“Yea, I didn’t really sleep. Listen, Paula, this is bad. This is really bad,” she said, voice trembling.

“Ok, what happened?”

Rebecca put her forehead down on her arms, which were folded on the table top. “He’s cheating on me,” she groaned into her arms.

Paula’s jaw dropped. “What? No...there’s no way!”

Rebecca told Paula about the messages and added, “I did some light stalking last night. They went to Stanford together. She’s also married, which makes it even more icky. ”

“Maybe they’re just meeting up as friends.”

“But why would he be, quote, exhausted?” she said with spiteful air quotes.

“Maybe...they’re playing racquetball together, I don’t know! But there has to be an explanation. Just talk to him.”

“No, here’s what we’re going to do. According to that message they are going to see each other tonight. So you’re going to use your super skulking skills to help me follow him…”

“Bup bup bup. Rebecca no, this is a bad idea. Are you sure he’s cheating? I mean, you’re all hormonal and emotional right now…”

“I know what I saw! Why are you doubting me? I feel like you’re being all Team Nathaniel right now.”

“No no no, sweetie. It’s just...he really likes you. And, from what you’ve said, you guys are doin’ it like bunnies. So why would he be cheating? It just doesn’t make sense.”

Rebecca vehemently shook her head, “No, you know what, it does make sense. I’m broken and stupid and he wants someone normal like Mona. I mean, he looks like a frickin’ Disney prince. Why would he want me anyway?”

“Stop it,” Paula interjected and she took Rebecca’s hands in hers. “Listen, I’m going to show you something. I didn’t want to show you before because you had more important things you were dealing with at the time.” She released her hands and took out her phone, briefly tapping and scrolling, and then turned the phone toward Rebecca, shoving it in her hands. It was a photo. Nathaniel asleep, in Rebecca’s bed, spooning Ruth Gator Ginsburg.

“Honey, if I’m wrong then you can be the first to say ‘I told you so,’ but this is a man who cares about you.” Paula pointed to the photo for emphasis. “This man camped out at your apartment for DAYS waiting for you to come home. I saw him cry, in a pool of all places, because he couldn’t stand the thought that you weren't coming back. Let me say that again. Nathaniel...cried.”

Rebecca fell silent, staring at the photo. “Paula, I want to believe you. I do. But...I just need to know the truth. Please, Paula,” Rebecca pleaded. “I wouldn’t ask unless it was really important.” Paula just sighed in defeat.

*****

It was easy to avoid Nathaniel, who was busy most of the next day in meetings. After lunch, when she returned to her desk, there was a sticky note on her monitor:

_How are the eggs cooking? I’ll take mine over EASY._

Ugh, what an asshole. She ripped the note off her monitor, crumpled it up, and threw it into the trash. She silently cursed him for being so duplicitous. How could he be giving her little jokey notes, meanwhile having sex with that married hussy behind her back? She hoped he could feel the daggers she stared into the back of his head every time he walked by her cube.

When it was time to leave for the day, Rebecca waited until Nathaniel was in the bathroom to sneak out of the office. Ten minutes later, Paula trudged toward the car, clearly still unhappy with the whole situation.

Once they were both seated in the car, Rebecca asked, “So, you ready for this?! Paula and Rebecca - back in action!”

“For the record, I still think this is a really bad idea.”

“Noted.”

Before Paula could protest further, they spotted Nathaniel leaving the office and getting into his car. “Follow that car!” Rebecca yelled.

Paula put a finger in her ear. “That was like right in my ear.” She took her time starting the engine, while Rebecca bounced impatiently in her seat, and then begrudgingly started following Nathaniel’s car at a safe distance.

“Tell me this,” Paula asked after a tense few minutes of trailing Nathaniel. “What are you going to do if you’re wrong?”

“If I’m wrong, he’ll be none the wiser and I’ll have my peace of mind.”

“...and the knowledge that you have zero trust in your own boyfriend.”

“But, Paula, what if I am right? Don’t you think I deserve to know? Oh wait, he’s turning here!”

They followed his car into a large parking lot outside a modern-looking, one-story building. “What the hell...I’ve been here a million times with my kids. This is the Cameron Park Community Center. If he’s having an affair here, it’s the least sexy affair imaginable.”

Paula parked in the last row of the lot and they watched Nathaniel get out of his car and enter the building. “What?! This doesn’t make sense,” Rebecca said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Ok, we have to go in and see what he’s doing.” Paula gave her an exasperated look. “Ok, fine, I’ll go in myself. You stay here and keep watch.” She threw open the car door and left before Paula could stop her.

Rebecca cautiously entered the community center and it was bustling with activity. There was a basketball court filled with kids, a dance studio with cute kindergarteners learning ballet, and several multi-purpose rooms being used for assorted clubs and activities. Leaning around a corner, she saw Nathaniel and Mona at a distance, standing outside one of these rooms, chatting warmly. There was a card table with a carafe of coffee and cookies set up next to them, and they were surrounded by a handful of people who were mingling with each other. Both Nathaniel and Mona had paper coffee cups in their hands and Mona’s huge engagement ring was noticeable even from this distance. She saw Mona hand Nathaniel a business card, which Mona gestured to emphatically and Rebecca could make out Mona saying, “He’s great.”

Moments later, a middle-aged woman with a name tag ushered everyone inside the room, saying that they were going to begin. Once the hallway had cleared, Rebecca stalked closer, just short of the open door. She leaned against the wall and pretended to be typing on her phone while secretly eavesdropping.

The room quieted and the middle-aged woman spoke. “Hello and welcome to weekly Family Support Group. This group is supported by the East San Gabriel Valley affiliate of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI as we say. For anyone who may be new, we welcome all family members, friends, caregivers, and partners of loved ones with mental illnesses. The goals of this group are find strength in sharing experiences with each other, discuss coping skills, and learn to see the individual first before the illness. Here, there is no judgment and no stigma. Ok, that’s my usual spiel. I’ll open up the floor now for whoever would like to share this week.”

Rebecca’s mouth went dry and she felt frozen in place, stuck to the ground. This was the absolute last thing she had expected. Her mind raced and a million questions flooded her mind. How long has he been coming to this? How did he find out about it? Has he talked about their relationship? About her?

_“Rebecca, stop it, you’re splitting.”_

Oh my god.

The night he came home late, when she was upset he didn’t text. His eyes were red and puffy. Was he here? Was that on a Wednesday? She tried to remember.

_So that was pretty intense today._

These realizations hit her one after another. On one hand, he had hid this from her and it almost felt like a violation, the fact that he was potentially sharing things about their relationship behind her back. Yet, at the same time, she was overwhelmingly touched by his effort. Tears pricked her eyes and she tried to blink them back to maintain her composure. Just as she was about to walk away, a higher-pitched voice began to speak.

“Hi, I’m Mona. As most of you know, my husband has severe OCD. There have been a lot of ups and downs over the years, but right now we’re going through a rough patch. He keeps telling me that he feels like a burden to me, which is really hard to hear...” Her voice cracked.

Rebecca felt like she was punched in the gut. This was way too close to home, not to mention a huge invasion of privacy. Listening to this woman pour her heart out and share deeply personal details about her marriage was definitely crossing a line. It was bad, even for her.

She ran back to the car as fast as she could. When she dropped down in the passenger side of the car beside Paula, her face was sheet white.

“Honey, what happened? Oh my god, he was cheating?! Did you confront him?”

“No no no,” she panted, trying to catch her breath. She shook her head, still not quite believing it, “He’s…he’s…at a support group.”

“Oh god, is he an alcoholic too? How does this keep happening?”

“No no, you know how there’s also groups for people who have family members who are alcoholics?”

“Yes…”

“So it’s like that but then replace alcoholics with people like me.”

Paula considered this for a moment and then grabbed Rebecca’s shoulder and grinned, “Oh honey, that’s great news, right? That’s like the opposite of cheating! It means he’s super committed to you. Why aren’t you jumping for joy right now?”

“Don’t you get it? He needs a support group...just to deal with me.” Rebecca put her face in both her hands. “What is he even doing with me?”

“Hey, listen to me,” Paula took Rebecca’s hands away from her face and held them. Their eyes met, Rebecca’s on the verge of tears, Paula’s resolute. “He isn’t there because he has to deal with you. He’s there because he wants to be with you. He’s there because he sees what I see in you, which is a tough, sweet, smart little cookie. You’re worth it, Rebecca. You’re the only one who doesn’t seem to see that.”

Rebecca began to cry. “Paula, I read his Facebook messages without his permission. I didn’t trust him. And I just listened to that woman, Mona, without her consent. I’m human garbage.”

“Ok yes, what you did wasn’t great. But now you know for sure you can trust him, right?” Paula pulled her in for a fierce hug. “Listen Rebecca, you’re all mixed up on the hormones right now. This is a lot to process. Let’s just get you home, I’ll tuck you in, and everything will be fine. And remember tomorrow’s the big day. You’re doing something amazing for Darryl. You’re giving him the greatest gift you could ever give. You are a good person.”

She tried to believe Paula’s words, but she knew she was in for another sleepless night.

*****

Nathaniel picked up Rebecca at her apartment at 9am sharp the next day for the egg retrieval procedure. He greeted her cheerfully when she opened the door, “Hey, ready for the big day?” But his face fell when he took in her drawn expression. “You look tired, everything ok? Are you nervous?”

Rebecca smiled faintly to reassure him, “Sorry, I just haven’t slept well the past two nights, but I’ll be fine. I promise.”

When they were in the waiting room at the facility, she felt wired, on edge, despite her lack of sleep. All the emotions from the previous night’s revelation were competing for her attention and she wished she could drown it all out. Nathaniel covered her hand, which had been fidgeting restlessly in her lap, with his. “Are you ok? Do you want me to come in with you?” She nodded and tried breathing deeply to quiet her thoughts.

Later, prepped for the procedure, Rebecca laid on a sterile, cold table and stared blankly at the ceiling. Nathaniel pulled up a chair next to the table and faced it so he was looking at her. While they waited for the doctor, Nathaniel stroked her arm and said, “Hey, it’s just going to be 15 minutes and then it’s over. You won’t feel a thing.” He was obviously sensing her inner turmoil and trying to be supportive, but she couldn’t tell him that the reason for her distress had nothing to do with the procedure.

The doctor came in, shuffling through papers in a folder. “Ok, Rebecca, looks like you had your HCG trigger shot Tuesday afternoon so we are good to go. You should be able to feel the analgesia start to kick in very soon.” Then he addressed Nathaniel, “It’s conscious sedation so she’ll be awake but deeply relaxed. It’s likely won’t remember any of the procedure. She’ll need to rest here for about an hour afterward and then you can take her home.”

The last thing she remembered was Nathaniel holding her hand, his eyes silently reassuring her.

She awoke on Nathaniel’s couch, groggy and covered in a blanket. “Hey sweetie,” came a familiar voice when she started to regain her faculties.

“Paula? What are you -?” Rebecca sat up and looked around, wondering if she was still under the sedation.

Paula sat down beside her and lovingly brushed her hair out of her face. “Nathaniel asked me to come over while he ran out to get you something to eat. How are you feeling?”

Rebecca rubbed her eyes. “I’m fine. Just a little out-of-it. I must have fallen asleep.”

“Seems like you needed it. I’m glad you were able to rest.”

“I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed...Nathaniel was dating that girl Mona. And he was cheating on her with me...and we were secretly having sex in the supply closet at work every day.”

Paula laughed and then Rebecca joined her. “Speaking of...are you feeling any better about yesterday?”

Rebecca realized she did feel better, like a haze in her head was starting to clear. “Yea, I mean, him getting any kind of therapy is probably a good thing, right?”

“And…”

“And...he’s doing it because he cares about me. You happy now?”

As if he heard himself being summoned, Nathaniel returned, carrying a paper bag. “Anyone awake and want some panang curry?”

All of a sudden she was famished. “Oh my god, you are the best boyfriend ever. Gimme gimme.” Rebecca out-stretched her arms and opened and closed her hands like a child.

“Well, my work here is done. You two enjoy and I’ll see you later.” Paula winked at Rebecca and gave Nathaniel a pat on the arm before leaving.

*****

After a few days of Netflix and her couch, Rebecca felt rejuvenated. Much to her relief, she experienced very little pain after the retrieval procedure. In fact, the prior 10 days of hormone injections ended up causing much more discomfort than the procedure itself. And now that she was free of the influence of the hormones, Rebecca felt like a fog around her had been lifted, both mentally and physically. Feeling energized and generally optimistic, she decided to pay Nathaniel a visit. It was a Sunday afternoon after all and she knew, creature of habit that he was, that he would be there. On Sundays he always went full-on domestic - doing laundry, meal prepping for the week, and catching up on law journals.

“Hi, how are you feeling?” he greeted her in his typical Sunday soft clothes of a t-shirt and sweatpants.

“Good, really good actually. Can I come in?”

He stepped aside to reveal piles of folded laundry spread out on the coffee table. It gave her a little thrill to know that she was picking up these little bits of knowledge about him.

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to the small paper gift bag she held.

“This is for you. It’s just a little thank you. Now that I’m off the hormones I realize that my behavior has been, shall we say, heightened. So thank you for putting up with me and taking care of me. I just, um, really appreciate you.” Saying it out loud made her feel strangely self-conscious and she felt a pang of fear that maybe the gift was a dumb idea.

“Wow, thank you,” he said and accepted the bag from her. He moved the tissue aside and pulled out a small, bright green, alligator plush toy. Nathaniel’s face lit up and he laughed.

“I know you and Ruth Gator Ginsburg have a special bond so I thought maybe you would want your own. Maybe you could name him something more manly, like Darth Gator or the Termin-gator.”

“Rebecca, I love it. I really do. Thank you.” He set the toy down on top of the tallest pile of laundry with a fond smile.

“And also, related, once I saw an annual pass to the San Diego Zoo on your counter so we’re going to need to discuss that at some point - ”

He cut her off by cupping her face with both his hands and kissing her soundly. Rising up on her tiptoes, she leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his back, tugging him as close as she could. The kiss was filled with his need for her, though his desire for her didn’t feel overtly sexual. When he finally pulled away and she sank back down to the floor, he gazed deeply into her eyes and stroked her face with both his thumbs. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but he stopped himself, a heavy breath rushing out of his lungs.

Silently she covered one of his hands with her and gently led him toward the bed. “Is this ok?” he asked, his eyes briefly darting down to her abdomen. She simply nodded in response and pulled her shirt over her head. They disrobed unhurriedly in front of each other and, when they were fully naked, laid down on the bed facing each other. They kissed languidly and explored each other, not rushing the moment - a definite change of pace after almost two weeks of hormone-fueled rough sex. Nathaniel ran his hand from the valley of her waist to the curve of her hip and broke their kiss for a moment to say, “You feel so soft.” She smiled against his mouth and rolled on to her back, wanting to feel the weight of him on top of her.

He reached over and got a condom from his night table and rolled it on while she watched. Then he went into her open arms, melding their bodies together. He pushed into her, raptly watching her face for any signs of discomfort. “Does it hurt?”

“No, keep going.” He thrust into her slowly over and over as they stared into each other’s eyes, and it occurred to her that they were truly making love, maybe for the first time. There was no other phrase that could describe it. The intimacy of the moment gave her warm, clenching feeling in her chest. He wrapped his right arm around her lower back and threaded his other hand in her hair, palming her head, and suddenly she wasn’t sure if any part of her body was even touching the bed anymore. Every part of her was surrounded by him. He was all around her, inside her, and he began kissing her, swallowing the breath that had caught in her throat. After a few minutes of this lazy pace, he stopped kissing her, rubbing his nose to hers. Then his breath hitched and he whispered, “I love you.”

He pulled back and she saw a hint of fear in his eyes and a vulnerability so pure she could barely stand it. With a strangled whimper, she pulled him down by the neck to kiss her and she put everything she had into the kiss, her legs urging him to keep going. She kissed him with all the passion she felt for him and hoped she could express with her body what she wasn’t able to fully articulate yet with words.

Her orgasm was a soft rolling wave, quiet and calm. And after he came, they stayed joined while they recovered, his arms still wrapped snugly around her and his face buried in her neck. She traced patterns on his back in sweat with her fingers, looping again and again in a makeshift infinity sign.

When he finally moved off of her, the cold air hit her body in a whoosh and she instantly missed him. He curled himself against her side and propped his head on his elbow. “Hey...are we ok?” he asked timidly, searching her face. “Don’t feel like...don’t feel obligated to…”

She stopped him gently, “We’re fine.” Sensing he needed some validation, she continued, “I really care about you, I hope you know that.” He gave her a half smile, kissed her cheek, and then disappeared into the bathroom.

As much as she wanted to give him everything, she felt like she had to hold back. Falling back into her old habits was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She needed to be careful, deliberate about this relationship. She couldn’t allow herself to be swallowed up by him, be swallowed up by love so fast again.

She just prayed this love kernel would be enough until she was ready to give him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to itsme_ashley_marie for coming up with those adorable gator-related puns! 
> 
> Stay tuned for the next chapter...
> 
> Can I Take the Next Step with Nathaniel?
> 
> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


	4. Can I Take the Next Step with Nathaniel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bunch and Akopes are back at it again and they are working through some serious stuff. There’s an 8-month time jump! Nathaniel wants the relationship to move forward, but Rebecca won’t let up on her boundaries. Is she ready to take the next step?

“It seems like only yesterday I was right here in this very room, ignoring everything you said,” Rebecca said wistfully as she entered Dr. Akopian’s office. It was her first session back with Dr. Akopian, after Dr. Shin advised that it was time to transition back to her care.

“Welcome back, Rebecca,” Dr. Akopian replied, gesturing for her to sit on the couch.

Rebecca obeyed and immediately started talking excitedly, barreling right into the session, “Let me catch you up on everything that’s been going on with me since I last saw you, which was post-suicide attempt and I tried to get you to give me a new diagnosis. To recap, I accepted the fact that I’m borderline, did a lot of workbooks, went to Buffalo, hung out with my friend’s dad, got back from Buffalo, started dating Nathaniel, went on a ton of hormones to give Darryl an egg. I thought Nathaniel was cheating on me but it turns out he was going to a NAMI support group, he told me he loved me but I didn’t say it back, that was three weeks ago, and now I’m here!”

Dr. Akopian’s eyebrows climbed high on her forehead. “Wow, that’s a lot. Let’s work backwards. So you’re in a relationship. How long have you been seeing him?”

“About three months.”

“And he said he loves you, but you didn’t say it back.”

Rebecca waved her hand in front of her dismissively. “You know, this isn’t really important. Things are going fine between us. I set up healthy boundaries with Nathaniel, just like Dr. Shin told me to do, and I’m not getting all obsessive with him like I did with Josh, so it’s all good.”

“But how does he feel about the fact that you didn’t say it back? You obviously thought it was significant enough to mention.”

“LISTEN,” she said with annoyance, putting her hands on either side of her mouth, as if she were yelling into a bullhorn. “Everything is fine with me and Nathaniel, ok? That’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here, ready to rock my mental health. So let’s do this - abandonment issues, dissociative episodes, my dad - it’s all on the table. Let’s get into it, Akopes!”

“I do not wish to be called Akopes.”

“God I forgot how unfun you are.”

*****

“If you guys are gonna sit at the bar and take up space, you need to order something,” Heather said with irritation to Rebecca and Nathaniel. It was lunchtime at Home Base and they had slipped out of the office, away from prying eyes. Rebecca had a file open in front of her, while Nathaniel leaned into her space possessively, attempting to distract her in any way possible from actually getting work done. Most of those ways involved slyly touching her in places that pushed the boundaries of propriety in a public place. At a table nearby, Hector and White Josh ate lunch together and watched this public display with revulsion.

“Ugh fine Heather, just bring us some fries and diet cokes!” Rebecca yelled. Heather rolled her eyes and went into the back room.

Rebecca flipped through the file, trying to ignore Nathaniel’s hand enticingly rubbing the base of her scalp. “Ok, so for the Crawford case, I was thinking -”

“Is this a new blouse?” Nathaniel interrupted, tracing his hands along the cobalt blue collar.

She tried not to shiver at his whisper soft touch. “You know it’s not.” He was doing that thing where his eyes got dark and it felt like he was ravishing her with only his gaze. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” he asked with mock-innocence. He got up and turned her bar stool so she was facing him, and cozied up between her legs. He put his hands on her hips and nuzzled her neck, planting a kiss there. “Nathaniel, we’re supposed to be working...what if someone from the office sees us?”

He continued to kiss her neck and mumbled, “Let them see us. I don’t care anymore.”

“Well, I care.”

“Why?” When she didn’t respond, he pulled back to look at her face.

She shook her head. “Forget it,” she said and pulled his head back to her neck.

When his hands skimmed from her hips up to her waist, White Josh called, “Give it a rest, you horny monsters!”

Hector joined in, “Yea, it’s bad enough you’re always doing it all over the apartment. No one wants to see that!” White Josh and Hector high-fived.

Nathaniel, with a sparkle in his eye, then started kissing her full on the lips, making a big show of it, awkwardly groping at her. Rebecca couldn’t help but laugh into his mouth as they kissed, the mood sufficiently lightened, letting her guard down and playing along. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer.

“Ahhh!” both White Josh and Hector screamed, and White Josh dramatically held his hands up to his face to shield his eyes.

Satisfied with their reaction, Rebecca loosened her grip on him and opened her eyes. In her periphery vision, she spotted Paula, Tim, Jim, Maya, and new-recruit Sunil walking into Home Base.

Rebecca immediately released him and broke their kiss. “Hey, stop,” she whispered and gently pushed on Nathaniel’s chest.

“Huh?” He had moved his attention to her collarbone, his hands still wandering.

“Stop it, I’m serious!” she said and pushed hard on his chest. His eyes widened in surprise and he followed her gaze to see the source of her distress. When he saw their office mates filing into the bar, he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, backing away from her.

“You know what? I think I’m gonna go back to the office and work. Enjoy your lunch.” Nathaniel roughly picked up his messenger bag and left in a huff.

“Nice work!” White Josh called from behind her. Rebecca turned toward him and scrunched up her face into a scowl.

Heather returned with the fries and drinks. “Hey, where did Patrick Bateman go?”

“Ha ha, very funny. He, um, he had to go.” Rebecca started to eat the fries quickly one after the other.

Heather shrugged and then put her hand on her abdomen. “I love my new hobby...growing people. Wait, did you hear that? Made an eyeball! What did you do today?”

As usual, Rebecca ignored her, lost in her own thoughts. She caught Paula’s eye and her brow was furrowed in a silent question. Rebecca slightly shook her head and then looked back down at her food, embarrassed. She was still purposefully keeping him at arm’s length, putting up imaginary barriers in an attempt to keep herself from falling over the cliff into obsession. But how long could she keep this up? How long until she could trust herself? And would he stick around long enough to see that day?

*****

**[EIGHT MONTHS LATER...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14622633/chapters/33793659)**

Eight months later, a lot had changed in West Covina. Heather was nine months pregnant and about to pop, Paula had somehow been replaced in the office hierarchy by Sunil, Valencia and Beth had formed both a work and romantic partnership, and White Josh returned from a desert sojourn with a dog in tow. But, all the while, some things had remained the same...

“We’ve been at this for eight months now. And you still haven’t told Nathaniel you love him and you’re still keeping the relationship a secret from your coworkers and your family.”

“Yea, so what?” Rebecca sat on Dr. Akopian’s couch with her arms crossed in front of her defensively. “The office doesn’t need to know our business and, besides, I am protecting Nathaniel from any conflicts of interest for dating his employee. It makes perfect sense.” She shrugged, as if to say _case closed_.

“Rebecca, we’re doing such great work here in every other respect. You have progressed so much since we first started. But you’re still stuck in the same place with Nathaniel that you were eight months ago. You’re in a much better place now. Maybe it’s time to let your guard down a little.”

“You’re right, I am in a good place and so is my relationship with Nathaniel. I’m happy, he’s happy, we’re both happy. And I’m not obsessed with him, which is the most important thing. This is by far the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. There, I said it. Why would I want to change that?”

“So you have no qualms about his feelings in this? How it must feel to tell someone you love them for months and not have that returned? What will you do when he asks for more commitment from you?”

Rebecca scoffed, stubborn, obviously not budging from her stance. “Commitment? Please, what MAN wants more commitment?

****

Rebecca stood in front of Nathaniel’s bathroom mirror, clad in only her black bra and panties, armed with her curling iron. She moved her head back and forth, examining in the mirror whether she had missed any stray pieces of hair. Satisfied for the moment, she walked over to the closet while Nathaniel was knotting his tie nearby.

“Shit I’m going to be late for this meeting,” he muttered to himself.

She moved the hangers back and forth, looking through her clothes, “Ugh, I don’t have enough clothes here. I like to dress based on mood and I’m not feeling any of this today.”

“And what is your mood today?” He reached over her shoulder to pull out a suit jacket.

“I’m feeling like a head-bitch-in-charge, with a bit of whimsy, and a hint of slutty.”

“I don’t know what any of that means. Wear that black dress. The one with the flowers.”

“This one?” she asked, holding up the dress in front of her. “Oh, you just like this because it shows off my rack.”

“So? You look gorgeous in it.” Unable to argue with that, she put on the dress and he wordlessly came up behind her to zip her up. “That didn’t take much convincing,” he commented as he zipped and she lightly slapped his arm in response when he was done.

She returned to the bathroom mirror while Nathaniel grabbed his Apple watch from the dresser. He stuck his head in the bathroom doorway, “Have you seen my -”

“Kitchen table.”

“Thank you.” Nathaniel briskly walked away toward the kitchen and returned a few moments later, shoving his keys into his suit jacket pocket. He came up behind her, sharing the mirror, and he pushed his hair around, frowning.

“Hey, could you -” she pointed to the back of her head.

He shifted his attention to her hair and threaded his finger through one section. “You missed this part,” he said and she reached behind her to grab the piece of hair.

“Thank you.”

He rested his hands on both her shoulders and met her eyes in the mirror. “See, you look beautiful.”

She smiled and turned off the curling iron, setting it to the side. “Hey, remember Darryl’s baby shower is tomorrow. Any chance you got a gift for us?”

“Us? Since Darryl doesn’t know we’re together, don’t you think we should bring separate gifts?” It was a sensitive subject between them, but his face and tone held no accusation.

“Right, of course” she said softly, guilt gnawing at her, remembering her conversation with Dr. Akopian.

“See you at the office. Love you. Bye.” He kissed her cheek and then walked briskly toward the door. Again she felt a twisting, wringing feeling in her gut.

“Hey wait,” she called after him, running on impulse to the door. He hovered in the doorway, eyebrows raised. “Um, let’s go to the shower together. As a couple. I’m sorry I’ve been so weird about it. It’s silly of me.”

He grinned but was clearly, visibly trying to suppress his elation. He pointed at her, “You’re just trying to get out of buying a shower gift, aren’t you?”

She gave him a quick kiss and then playfully shoved him out the door.

*****

“Wow, he really went all out for this, huh?” Nathaniel observed as he and Rebecca walked into Darryl’s baby shower. The area was surrounded with balloons of pastel yellows, greens, and purples. Charming, rustic white tables were adorned with arrangements of yellow and white flowers. The gift table was crowded with gift bags of varying sizes, and there was a small bar that declared on a chalkboard its offerings of several types of mimosas.

“Yea, Valencia and Beth are really great at this.” As she noticed all the people milling around, she added, “There are a lot of people here. Did Darryl invite everyone he knows?”

As Nathaniel left her to go drop off their gift, Rebecca was greeted by an overly exuberant Darryl. “Oh Rebecca, isn’t this amazing? It’s all finally happening - the baby is almost here! And I told my whole family about you and they all want to meet you today!”

“Oh...great,” she said and smiled politely. The rest of their coworkers began to gather in a group around her.

“Rebecca, do you think the baby is going to grow up to be a hashtag badass girl boss like you?” asked Maya, pushing her glasses up with both hands. Mrs. Hernandez, who was standing next to Maya, gave her an exaggerated eye roll.

“I think it’s going to come out with a big bushy mustache,” Jim laughed.

“It’s a girl…” Mrs. Hernandez interjected.

“Paula’s been kind of bitchy lately, so can you be the new office mom?” asked Tim.

Darryl jumped in, “What do you think about these names, Rebecca? I’ve got Daphnila, Sefarine, Tasmyline…”

As they crowded around her, Rebecca started to feel overwhelmed. This was not what she signed up for. As each of them fought for her attention, their voices started to blend together in a dull cacophony and she couldn’t focus on what any one person was saying. She suddenly struggled to get air and felt the urge to run away.

Just as she was about to full-on panic, Nathaniel’s warm hand found her upper back and he said, “Hey, let’s just back off of Rebecca for a minute.” He then pulled her under his arm, steadying her against him. Instinctively she wrapped her arm around his waist and exhaled in relief. The world came back into focus.

All of them fell silent, looking between Rebecca and Nathaniel with incredulity.

“Wait, are you guys…?” Tim started.

“I knew it,” Mrs. Hernandez declared.

“Hey, let’s get a drink,” Nathaniel said, ignoring the dumbstruck faces of his employees. Rebecca nodded and he steered her away from the crowd.

“Thank you,” she said as they approached the bar. “It was getting a little too...Mama Rebecca back there.”

Rebecca ordered a mimosa with strawberries while Nathaniel got straight champagne and they settled at a nearby high-top table. His hand found her lower back, tracing a circular, soothing pattern with his thumb. She could see their coworkers were watching from a distance but she tried to ignore them.

Dragging her eyes away from the group, she turned to him and said, “Listen, I’m sorry I made you keep things a secret for so long. I made it more of a thing by hiding it than if we had just been upfront from the start.”

Nathaniel suddenly started choking on his champagne. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” She reached over and rubbed his back.

“My parents are here,” he managed to get out between coughs. She scanned the crowd and spotted Nathaniel Plimpton II approaching their table. Nathaniel pulled at the collar of his shirt as if it were strangling him.

She reached out and held his forearm, “Hey, it’s fine. Just relax.”

He swallowed hard and then wiped both his hands on his pants. His demeanor had completely changed, his posture stiffening and his hands in balled up fists at his sides.

“Nathaniel,” his mom cooed and she reached out and gave him a hug. He hugged her back, relaxing the tiniest bit and then he shook his father’s hand impersonally.

“Mom, Dad, I didn’t know you would be here.”

His mother jumped in, “We weren’t sure if we were going to make it, but our other engagement was canceled so that freed us up to come at the last minute! Isn’t that lovely?”

Nathaniel forced a smile. “It’s great.”

There was an awkward moment where both his parents looked at Rebecca, who looked to Nathaniel for any kind of guidance, but none seemed to be forthcoming. “Hi, I’m Rebecca Bunch,” she said, shaking each of their hands as warmly as she could muster. Since Nathaniel seemed tongue-tied, she decided to play it safe, “Technically, I work for you, sir. I’m a lawyer at the firm.”

“Yes, I know who you are,” Nathaniel II remarked, looking her up and down in a way that made her stomach crawl. “The first person ever allowed medical leave on a Plimpton’s watch.”

That awakened Nathaniel from his daze and he added, “Rebecca is also my girlfriend.” He reached for her hand and held it firmly, threading their fingers together.

His mother clapped her hands together in front of her. “Oh, how wonderful. You two should come by the house sometime for dinner.”

Nathaniel said nothing so Rebecca jumped in, “I would love that, Mrs. Plimpton, thank you.”

“Well, isn’t that just perfect? Nathaniel, congratulations on becoming a walking cliche. Darling, let’s go pay our respects to Darryl.” Nathaniel II turned on his heels, ushering his wife away.

Nathaniel face was tight and disappointment oozed out of his pores.

“Wow, I bet Christmas is a barrel of laughs,” she said, hoping to lighten the mood. When Nathaniel remained stone-faced, she squeezed his hand, “Hey, talk to me.”

“Sorry, um, I think I need some air.”

“We’re outside.”

“Then some different air,” he said, dropping her hand and walking away from the party.

She finished her mimosa, giving him a few minutes head start. Of course she was going to follow him. Tracing his steps, she found him on a stone bench, his hands clasped together firmly, staring into the distance. She wordlessly sat down beside him and they sat in companionable silence for several minutes.

He stared at his hands as he spoke, “In my parents’ social circles, relationships are like business deals or arranged marriages. It’s all about how the other person can benefit your career or your social status. And anyone who strays from that is looked down upon. Love is barely a consideration.” He met her eyes, “That’s not what I want for my life. Moving to West Covina and falling in love with you helped me realize that. But it’s just so hard to shake that instinct to please them. It’s...overpowering.”

She nodded encouragingly. It wasn’t often she had the opportunity to comfort him, and she wanted to be there for him just like he had been for her countless times. All her worry about exposing their relationship melted away. Now all her focus was on reassuring him and making him know he made the right choice. What they had was real and if his father had a problem with it, he’d have to deal with her too.

Everything she thought to say seemed trite or inadequate so she simply dragged his head to her shoulder and hugged him. His arms wrapped fully around her waist and he breathed deeply against her neck. She rubbed the back of his head and let him lean against her. Over his shoulder, she saw Nathaniel’s mother, watching them from the edge of the party. They locked eyes for a moment and then Rebecca tightened her arms around his neck, eliminating any remaining space between them. She would take care of him. Maybe his parents never hugged him but hopefully she would have the opportunity to make up for all those years.

*****

They found a way to escape from the shower, narrowly missing the blessing of the egg donor. When they got back to his apartment, he excused himself to the bathroom while she busied herself with changing out of her bright fuschia dress. She was surprised when she heard the shower start to run. He had taken one just a few hours ago before they left for the event.

She knocked lightly on the door. “Hey, everything ok?” When he didn’t respond she tentatively opened the door. He was standing in the shower spray, letting the water pelt him in the face and chest. “Hey,” she tried again. “You want company?” He hesitated. “Or I can leave you alone,” she offered.

After contemplating this for a moment, he opened the door of the shower stall to her. She quickly slipped off her undergarments and joined him. The water was scaldingly hot and she flinched when it first touched her skin. “What’s going on?”

He ran his hand over his face. “I feel so stupid. I know it probably seems to you like I’m blowing this out of proportion.”

“Because I’ve never done that before,” she quipped.

“Right,” he smiled and used both his hands to move wet hair away from her face. “I don’t want you to think it was a mistake to tell people about us with how my father reacted.”

“No, no, stop. If anything I feel bad for letting it go this long.” She rubbed her hands up and down his chest and abdomen while he looked her up and down and she could feel him getting aroused against her, despite the seriousness of their conversation.

“I guess as much as I want to pretend I don’t care about their opinion of me, some part of me still craves that validation.” Oh, did she understand that. All those years of sending her father birthday cards, never getting any response. Always thinking that the next academic or career achievement would be the one to make her father notice her and make him proud of her.

And that’s when she realized she was another person in Nathaniel’s life who was withholding precious validation from him. She had bottled up those words of affirmation to protect herself, meanwhile likely hurting him and playing on his insecurities in the process. Sometimes she forgot that she wasn’t the only one in this relationship with deep-rooted issues.

“Let me make you feel good,” she said earnestly. She reached up and angled the shower head away from her and then bent down to kneel in front of him. Once she was settled on her knees, she made eye contact with him before taking him into her mouth. Suddenly unsteady, he reached out and braced himself with one hand against the wall. As she worked his cock, her hands working skillfully in concert with her mouth, he reached down and gently rested his other hand on her head. He finally broke eye contact, tipping his head back and shutting his eyes and she was rewarded with a deep sound of his utter, unbridled pleasure. She hummed around him in response and his hand on her head tightened, lightly grabbing a fistful of her hair.

“Fuck, stop,” he said, gritting his teeth, and she pulled away, releasing him. He reached down and grabbed under her arms to help her back up. Her legs were achy from kneeling on the unforgiving tile but she didn’t have time to recover because he lifted her by her thighs and pressed her up against the wall. She wrapped her legs around him and he forcefully kissed her, desperately pressing his erection against her.

At first she wiggled her hips to try to angle herself properly, but he roughly held her still and thrust into her, forcing a surprised yelp from her throat. Triggered by the sound, he leaned back to check on her, but she shook her head and pulled him back by the neck, whispering, “Just use me.” He complied and plunged back into her over and over, his pace rapid and unrelenting, as he chased his own release. Her back slid against the slippery, wet tiled wall, so she locked her arms firmly around his shoulders to ride out the waves of his desire. It didn’t take long until he was coming inside her, his hips faltering a few moments and then finally stilling. He pinned her heavily against the wall as he tried to catch his breath, their bodies still joined. Despite the fact she didn’t climax, she felt exhausted by the effort to simply to keep up with him.

Finally, he lowered her back down to the floor and then lovingly wiped away the smeared mascara from under her eyes. He turned off the water and reached outside the stall to grab a towel and wrap her in it before grabbing a towel of his own.

She padded from the bathroom to the bedroom dresser to fetch some comfortable clothes to settle in for the evening. But she froze when she noticed a foreign object on top of his dresser. It was a small, black, velvet box. The kind of box that was unmistakable, imbued with implications. She picked it up and her heart rate accelerated even faster than it already was from the sex. Her vision began to narrow as she tried to decide how she felt about it.

“Open it,” Nathaniel said from behind her.

She jumped and frantically put the box back down on the dresser. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“It’s for you. Open it.”

“Nathaniel...I don’t know…” she stammered, completely losing any composure she may have had.

He smiled knowingly, “Don’t worry, just open it.”

She picked the box up again gingerly, holding her breath as she opened it. It was a pair of diamond stud earrings. Simple, elegant, but obviously expensive. “Wow,” she released the breath she was holding. “Why? What is this for?”

“We’ve been together almost a year and I bought it as a little anniversary gift.”

“Anniversary? Wow, that is so incredibly sweet. These are beautiful, thank you.”

“Actually,” he cleared his throat and walked closer to her, “I was also planning to ask...if you wanted to move in together.”

“What?” Suddenly she was very aware that they were both only in towels, her hair dripping wet and her makeup all but gone.

“Well, we spend almost every night together. Our stuff is scattered between our places and Heather and Hector have pretty much claimed your place. I thought maybe you could move in here or we could get a new place together.”

Her mouth went dry and she tightened the towel around her. “Uh -”

“Just think about it.” She nodded calmly, but on the inside she was filled with fear.

*****

The next day, Rebecca asked Dr. Akopian for an emergency session outside of their regularly scheduled weekly appointment. Dr. Akopian graciously fit her in the same day, perhaps due to the uncharacteristically serious tone of voice she used when she called.

“So he said he wants to move in together. And what did you say?”

“Nothing,” Rebecca said in a small voice. Her usual upbeat chatter was replaced by a shy vulnerability she rarely let Dr. Akopian see.

“Do you want to move in with him?”

“I don’t know. Honestly, I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“If I allow myself to completely let him in, see every part of me, give him my whole heart, what if he doesn’t like what he sees? What if I’m too much for him and he leaves me?”

“So you’re worried that once you allow yourself to fully commit to him, then he has the ability to hurt you and abandon you.”

Rebecca nodded. “Or what if this triggers something inside me and I fall back into my old patterns? What if all this work and the progress I’ve made just disappears? I’m afraid of losing him...but the truth is I’m more afraid of losing myself.”

“Those fears are understandable and they’re always going to be there. But you are a loving person who deserves love,” Dr. Akopian adamantly reassured her.

Air escaped her lungs in a huff and she hugged herself around her middle. “Nathaniel does too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have been with this man almost a year and I’ve never told him I love him, even though I love him so much it sometimes physically hurts.” She shook her head ruefully at herself. “I’ve selfishingly withheld that from him.”

“It’s not too late to change that. Rebecca, only you can decide if you’re ready for that next step. But just remember all of the support you have. You have all the knowledge and the coping skills you learned from Dr. Shin and your group. You have your friends. And you have me. I’ll be here to keep working with you.”

Rebecca nodded emphatically at that, believing her, and struggled to hold back tears. “I’m sorry, but can we hug?”

Dr. Akopian reluctantly got out of her seat and they met in the middle and hugged.

“Can I call you Akopes now?” Rebecca asked as she stroked Dr. Akopian’s hair.

“No you may not.”

*****

Back at home, Rebecca was resolute. This was a turning point and she was choosing to move forward. All she had to do was face her fears. Staring at herself in the mirror in her bedroom, she gave herself a pep talk. “Ok Rebecca, this is going to be fine. All you have to do is say the words. Words you’ve said a million times before to other men who probably didn’t deserve it half as much.” She texted him.

_Are you home? Can I come over? I want to talk._

_Yea, of course._

She made an o shape with her mouth and exhaled slowly, looking back at herself in the mirror. “Face your fears. Run with scissors. All that crap. All you have to do is say...I love you.”

“I love you too, Rebecca,” came a voice from behind her. Rebecca shrieked and jumped away from the mirror. A large figure scrambled out from under her bed.

“TRENT?! Oh my god, what are you doing here?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the next chapter: Who is Trent?!
> 
> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


	5. Who is Trent?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is up with Rebecca. She’s ignoring Nathaniel’s calls, only speaking to Paula at work, and wearing turtlenecks to the office. Is she spooked that Nathaniel asked her to move in with him? Or is there something else going on? BLAM!
> 
> WARNING: There is some mild violence in this chapter. If that's not your thing, then please don't read this chapter!

“So you haven’t heard from Rebecca at all?” White Josh asked Nathaniel as they sat at the counter of the chic-for-West-Covina Ivywood Rustique restaurant. They both had a whiskey on the rocks, though Nathaniel was swirling his glass around more than actually drinking it.

“No, the last thing I heard from her was this text.” He showed White Josh his phone with the text:

_Are you home? Can I come over? I want to talk._

“She never came over, and she’s avoiding my calls and texts. At the office, she’s barely spoken to me, and for some reason she’s wearing turtlenecks now?” He shook his head, “I don’t know what’s going on. I must have freaked her out by asking her to move in with me.”

“I must say, before this whole debacle, Rebecca has been surprisingly not dysfunctional with you. I thought for awhile you kids might actually make it.”

“You say that like it’s a compliment but it’s really just a thinly-veiled insult.”

White Josh shrugged and took a sip of his drink, “It’s the closest thing you’re going to get to a compliment from me about Rebecca. To be honest, I’m pretty shocked that she would react this way. With Josh, she was practically shoving him down the aisle.”

“Maybe I’ve been misreading her this whole time, seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe I’ll never be the “man of her dreams” like Josh was. I’m such an idiot.” He hung his head. Even though he knew she needed to take the relationship slowly, it didn’t change that it hurt to remember how head-over-heels she was with Josh. She used to tell anyone who would listen the virtues of her dream man. Now he was offering her more commitment, something he used to think all women wanted, and she would barely give him the time of day.

White Josh patted his back, barely feigning sympathy, “Tough break, man. Like I’ve said before, there are other fish in the sea. Less crazy fish.”

“I don’t want any other fish,” he said, gazing into his glass as if all the answers would magically appear there.

“Then I guess you’re going to have to figure out what’s going on with her. Good luck, man.”

*****

Back at the office the next day, Nathaniel watched Rebecca like a hawk. She seemed nervous, her eyes constantly flitting around and not speaking to anyone except Paula. Once again she was wearing a turtleneck. The change in wardrobe was something he was still trying to wrap his head around. Something was obviously off, but her behavior seemed too bizarre to be just about his proposal to move in together.

He decided to try to talk to her again and approached her desk with as much confidence as he could muster in the moment, “Hi.”

“Hi,” she avoided his eyes and focused on her computer.

“Hey, maybe I could come over tonight? I know Hector dragged Heather to that podcast festival. We can watch that cute animal show you like. Oh, and I’ll order takeout from that Thai place and I promise I’ll even eat some rice. How does that sound?” He knew this offer was irresistible to her - she was always begging to watch that obnoxiously saccharine show - and she would have to have a good reason to say no.

She sighed and covered her face with both her hands for a moment, “I can’t. I’m sorry, Nathaniel.” Her voice started to rise and get shrill, “I’m just busy today and I have to get home and…”

“It’s ok, it’s ok. I’ll see you later.” He tried to keep his voice calm, despite the fact he had no fucking clue what was happening right now. She finally met his eyes and they were pleading with him, silently communicating something that he couldn’t understand.

He furrowed his brow and asked in a low whisper, “Are you ok?”

“God, Nathaniel, I’m just busy, ok!?” she yelled in frustration. Her expression was pained and she got up abruptly and headed to the bathroom. He stood in place for a moment, stunned, and then caught Paula watching him with concern.

“Paula,” he began, drifting over to her desk, “can I see you in my office please?”

“Yep, just give me five minutes, boss,” she replied.

When she came into his office, she shut the door behind her and, instead of speaking, handed Nathaniel a note:

_Rebecca is in trouble. Can’t discuss it in the office. Meet me at my car after work._

She watched Nathaniel read the note, her hands clasped tightly in front of her, her expression full of worry. After he read the note, his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened at her. He mouthed, “What? In trouble?” Paula pulled both her lips into her mouth and nodded. Then she silently turned on her heels and went back to her desk.

Nathaniel was floored. In trouble? What was going on? He couldn’t even begin to guess. He looked at Rebecca through the glass of his office door and she had her elbows on the desk and her head in her hands. More than anything he wanted to go to her, coax it out of her, comfort her. If she was in trouble, why wouldn’t she just ask for his help?

*****

After work, Nathaniel met Paula at her car, and she waved him in to sit in the passenger seat.

“Paula, what is going on? Why do we have to meet in your car?” His voice was tinged with irritation after agonizingly watching the clock tick slowly toward 5:00 all afternoon.

“What I’m about to tell you is going to sound crazy but I swear to god it’s true. Rebecca asked me not to tell you because we thought we could handle this situation on our own, but it’s gotten a little out of hand.”

“Stop stalling and just tell me.” He tried to mentally brace himself for whatever was coming.

“Rebecca has a stalker. His name is Trent and they went to Harvard together. He is obsessed with her and basically showed up at her apartment and has been staying there…”

“WHAT?!”

“Wait, just listen! He claims to have some kind of blackmail on Rebecca and she has been appeasing him to bide her time until we could figure out what to do.”

“Appeasing him? What does that mean?” His imagination ran wild.

“Don’t worry, from what Rebecca said it’s mostly playing a lot of board games and wearing weird clothes he got her. Anyway, I have a plan. Trent has a storage locker nearby. If I can crack the lock, maybe we could find some dirt on him so that we can blackmail the blackmailer!”

He was quiet for a moment, trying to take this all in. His hands were balled into fists and he wished he could shove those fists right into this guy’s face. But he tried to remain calm to keep a level head. “Why haven’t you called the police? And why hasn’t she reached out to me?”

“Whatever blackmail he has on her has her really spooked. She made me swear not to call the police...or to tell you. He knows things about her that make us think he’s been watching or listening to her - at her apartment, at the office - maybe even tracking her phone.”

Nathaniel closed his eyes and shook his head, “Sorry...I’m still processing all this. What could he possibly have on Rebecca that’s so bad? We all know her past. About Robert and Harvard…”

“It must be something else. I don’t know. But we’ve got to help her.”

He nodded, unsure what else to do. “Ok, let’s go,” he reached for the seatbelt and Paula grinned.

“Let’s bust this asshole,” she said before speeding away.

*****

At the storage unit, Paula produced two flashlights from her back seat and handed one to Nathaniel. As they approached the unit, Nathaniel noticed the large lock blocking their entry, but Paula was unphased.

“Oh Trent, I thought you were going to give me a challenge,” she said to herself. She removed one of her earrings and used it to easily pick the lock within seconds.

“Wow, that is troubling...but also impressive,” he commented, in awe of her skills.

She flashed a sly grin at him, “Ok, let’s see what he’s hiding in here.”

He pulled up on the sliding door and they both aimed their flashlights into the unit to reveal its contents. Both of their jaws dropped. There was a map of West Covina on the wall with pins in the locations Rebecca frequents, along with accompanying photo documentation. Clothes, socks, and underwear in boxes that clearly belonged to Rebecca. Lots of photos, obviously candids, taken without her knowledge. Some of these photos with Nathaniel, where his image was scratched out with a black Sharpie.

Nathaniel found a hanging light and pulled on its cord, throwing the unit in stark relief. They clicked off their flashlights.

“God, this is so much worse than I thought.”

“We have to go to her apartment right now,” he urged, about to bolt out the door.

She grabbed his arm, “Nathaniel, I know you’re probably fuming right now, but we need to get the evidence of his stalking so we have leverage. We need to get rid of him for good.”

He followed Paula’s orders while his mind raced. With every picture he took, he could feel his heart rate rising, pounding between his ears. The urge to find this guy and kill him, especially if he had put one hand on Rebecca, was escalating with each passing moment. When he got to a cardboard box with articles of her clothing, his stomach crawled. He started to sweat and his breathing was labored. Panic ate away at him.

“Ok buddy, listen,” she snapped her fingers in front of his face to get his attention. “We got photos of all this stuff, and we’ll take some of these,” she scooped up a pile of Trent’s surveillance photos of Rebecca. “You gotta keep your head on straight or this is all going to blow up. We’re going to go to her apartment, but you CANNOT go in. You’re too riled up right now and he believes that you guys broke up. When the time is right, I’ll go in there and confront him with the evidence. You’ll wait in the car and when he’s gone you can come in, ok?”

Nathaniel looked up at the ceiling for a moment, exhaled, and then acquiesced, “Fine, but let’s get out of here right now.”

*****

Back at Rebecca’s apartment, Paula parked across the street at a safe distance away so her car wouldn’t easily be noticed. She reached into the back seat of the car and pulled out a set of binoculars and handed them to Nathaniel, “Here, we can take turns watching.”

“Why is it that you happen to have two flashlights and a set of binoculars in the back seat of your car?”

“Oh, you have no idea how often these babies have come in handy. Now listen, once we see them and find the right moment, I’ll head in. Remember, you stay here as the look out.”

Nathaniel looked through the binoculars into the apartment. The blinds of the front room window were open, but there appeared to be no one there. “I don’t see anyone,” he said dejectedly, lowering the binoculars into his lap. He was a ball of tension, waiting to explode at the slightest provocation.

“It’s going to be ok,” Paula reassured him, noticing his restlessness.

He sighed and looked through the binoculars again. Suddenly, Rebecca stomped into the living room, Trent following close behind. Her face was flush with anger and she appeared to be yelling. She gestured emphatically and pointed to the door. “Wait! They’re home!” Paula leaned forward in her seat, squinting to try to see what was going on. “They’re arguing. I think she’s trying to throw him out.”

“Do you think he’ll just leave?” she wondered out loud.

Nathaniel watched Trent start to approach Rebecca menacingly, saying something that caused her face to immediately change from anger to fear. She kept walking backward while he advanced toward her, until her back was against the wall and Trent was looming over her. Then he reached for her, one hand pressed against her shoulder, pinning her to the wall, while the other came up and wrapped roughly around her neck.

Fuck the plan. Nathaniel sprang into action, throwing the binoculars back to Paula and flying out of the car. He sprinted to the door of the apartment and only vaguely registered the sound of Paula calling after him to stop. But he was in motion and nothing was going to stop him at this point. He threw the door open, thankfully it was unlocked, and it hit the wall so hard that a hanging mirror fell off the wall and shattered into a million shards on the ground.

Trent and Rebecca both jumped at the sound and Nathaniel was on Trent before he had time to react, grabbing him by the back of his shirt to pull him off of Rebecca, and then shoving him up against the wall. “Get the fuck off of her!” he yelled and then landed a solid punch to his face, connecting with his nose. Trent, stunned, reeled back from the punch and slumped to the ground. He covered his nose with his hands and rolled back and forth on the floor.

Rebecca stood nearby with both her hands covering her face, in complete shock. When Nathaniel moved to go for Trent again, Rebecca screamed, “Nathaniel stop!” He stopped in his tracks and turned back to her, wondering what she could possibly say that would keep him from turning this guy into a bloody mess. “He knows what you were going to do to Josh’s family. He knows everything. I was trying to protect you.”

Just then Paula appeared in the doorway, evidence in hand. Her mouth dropped open, seeing Trent writhing on the ground. “Oh my god!” she cried incredulously.

Trent lumbered to his feet, still covering his nose, blood seeping out of his palm. “I know everything you did and now you can add assault and battery to that list,” Trent said to Nathaniel.

“We went to your storage unit and we saw everything,” Paula interjected, holding up the photos. “We found these and we took photos of everything else. You’ve been stalking Rebecca ever since you met. If you go to the police, we’ll discredit you.”

“What?” Rebecca took the photos from Paula and stared at them in abject horror.

Nathaniel grabbed the front of Trent’s shirt and he winced. Nathaniel looked him dead in the eyes and said with complete seriousness, “If you do know everything I did, then you know how far I would go for Rebecca. If you come anywhere near her again, you’ll have to deal with me. And if you ever touch her again, I will kill you with my bare hands. Understand?” Blood that had been trickling from Trent’s nose dripped onto Nathaniel’s hand, but he didn’t flinch or move.

Trent nodded so Nathaniel released him and he quickly scrambled out of the apartment, carefully navigating between the shards of glass on the ground. Paula and Rebecca watched this all unfold, speechless. He closed the door behind Trent and then rested his back against it, scrubbing his face with his hand. He was running on pure adrenaline, his hands shaking while he tried to catch his breath.

After he reconfigured his senses, he went to Rebecca, looking her up and down, “Are you hurt?” He tentatively moved the collar of her shirt to the side and saw red marks where Trent had held her neck. Another surge of anger flowed through him and he briefly contemplated whether he could catch up to Trent and inflict more harm on him.

“That was the only time he touched me,” she reassured him and a breath rushed out of him in relief.

Paula put up a hand to them and said, “Ok, let’s clean this up and get out of here.” She left them alone to get supplies from the hall closet.

Rebecca reached for Nathaniel and he gladly took her into his arms, bending at his knees so she could fully wrap her arms around his shoulders.

“I’m so sorry” Rebecca choked out, and he could feel her whole body trembling.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said and rubbed her back. “I’ve got you. You’re safe.” He buried his face in her neck and closed his eyes, hugging her to him as tightly as he could.

So this is what it felt like to love someone more than yourself.

After a few more moments of holding her, he opened his eyes and saw Paula watching them, a broom and dustpan in hand, looking like she may cry. He loosened his arms and said, “I’ll clean this up. You and Paula go sit on the couch.” She reluctantly let go and he took the supplies from Paula and started to clean.

“Sweetie, what happened?” Paula asked once they were seated, taking one of Rebecca’s hands in hers.

“Today I just had enough. I told him I would never love him no matter what he did and I tried to kick him out. Then, it was like a switch had been flipped and he got really upset. He threatened to hurt Nathaniel or get him arrested. And that’s when he...well, you saw.”

“I don’t think he’ll be bothering you again. I saw Trent’s face - Nathaniel scared the crap out of him.” Paula smiled at Nathaniel. “I guess your plan was better than mine,” she admitted.

He emptied some glass into the trash can and huffed out a laugh, “That wasn’t exactly a plan. That was just...pure blind rage. I feel like I could lift a car over my head right now.”

“Please don’t,” Rebecca said and smiled fondly at him over the back of the couch.

*****

After they cleaned up the mess, Rebecca and Nathaniel parted ways with Paula and decided to sleep at his apartment. The car ride was quiet, both of them internalizing what they just experienced. Rebecca silently focused on the road, her eyes vacant, driving on autopilot. He longed for her to say something - anything - for insight into her emotional state. He would rather she cry, yell, whatever she needed to get it out, than watch her stare blankly into the void. Every minute that passed felt like an eternity with the dial of tension being slowly ratcheted higher and higher. But he didn’t want to push her and he didn’t know the rules for how to respond to trauma.

When they were safely home and he shut the door behind them, they stood in the entryway awkwardly, and he felt unsure how to act. “Why don’t I run you a bath?” he offered.

She nodded and followed Nathaniel into the bathroom. He turned on the hot water and ran his hand under the faucet to measure the temperature, while she began to disrobe. She pulled the turtleneck over her head and threw it angrily into the bathroom’s trash can. Raising her eyes to the mirror, she moved her head back and forth, examining the red marks, already slowly fading, around her neck.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she exhaled through her nose and then picked up her phone and thrust it into Nathaniel’s free hand.

“Take a photo of me.”

“Huh?”

She pointed to her neck, “Just in case.”

“We should go to the police,” he said, pained at the sight of the evidence of his assault.

“No, I’m not going to risk putting you in any more danger. I just want this all to be over,” she replied, resolute. “So take it.” He rose from where he sat on the side of the tub and obeyed her. When he returned the phone to her, she looked at the photo, emotionless, and he noticed her skin was paler than usual. After a few moments, she had clearly receded into her own thoughts, no longer actually seeing what was on the screen in front of her. Gently, he took the phone from her and set on the counter. It snapped her out of her reverie and she continued removing her clothes.

Nathaniel returned to the bath, shutting off the faucet and adding two scoops of lavender-scented bath salts to the hot water. He left her alone to change out of his suit into softer clothes. The earrings he gifted her were still on his dresser, a sad reminder that his request they move in together had gone unanswered. And, given the circumstances, it would likely continue to be on hold for the time being. He noticed a stray hair tie on the dresser’s top and grabbed it for her.

When he returned to the bathroom, she was in the tub, the water hazy from the bath salts, the bathroom filled with its floral scent. He bent down and gathered her hair into a sloppy ponytail, securing it with the hair tie. Then he settled down beside the tub, his ample height putting them at eye level with each other.

“Thank you,” she said softly and reached for his hand. He held it and used his other hand to stroke her arm. “And thank you for rescuing me. I mean, it was very dramatic, very un-Nathaniel-like, but Trent definitely got the message.”

It was true, his reaction was quite uncharacteristic. He couldn’t think of one time he had ever been in a fight or had to throw a punch. Plimptons never got their own hands dirty. But when he saw Rebecca’s scared face and Trent looming over her, it triggered something in him. He saw red. There was nothing he wouldn’t do in that moment to protect her.

“I’m sorry for bringing you into this mess,” she said, picking up on his mood.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Please don’t say that. I asked you to do those things to Josh’s family. I brought Trent into your life and he could have hurt you or gotten you in trouble.” Clearly frustrated, she put her head back against the tub again and exhaled loudly. “I need to start taking responsibility for my life,” she whispered to the ceiling. He let the issue rest and just rubbed her arm while she tried to relax.

His eyes unintentionally drifted to her neck once again, and he felt a jolt of heat in his chest. The truth was it wasn’t anger that catapulted him from the car to confront Trent. It was fear. The fear of losing her. He had felt that iron grip of fear around his heart before, back when Paula told him Rebecca tried to kill herself. But that was before. Before he knew her favorite position to fall asleep - on her right side, little spoon - but that she always ended up on her back. Before he knew how to push her buttons or how to get her to collapse in laughter. Before he knew her heart, her kindness, her strength, and her courage. It was before he loved her. So, whatever he had felt then, it was nothing compared to what he lived through today.

“I want to tell you something. Something I’ve never told anyone,” he cleared his throat and she lifted her head from the edge of the tub. She straightened up and regarded him with interest. “When I was 10 years old, I found my mother unconscious on her bed. I couldn’t wake her up and there was a bottle of pills next to her.”

Rebecca’s face softened and she looked down at their joined hands as he continued, “It was the first time I realized I could lose someone I cared about. Someone as important as my mother. Of course we weren’t allowed to discuss it and I buried that memory down, until…” He still had trouble saying the words out loud - a verbal hangover from his childhood. If you don’t say it out loud, maybe it never happened.

Rebecca said nothing, her gaze unwavering, challenging him to continue.

“...you tried to kill yourself,” he finally finished. He ran his free hand through his hair nervously. “When Paula told me, it was like I couldn’t breathe. It was like I was 10 years old again, totally helpless. Actually, it pushed me to finally talk to my mother about it and it mended our relationship.”

She smiled and shrugged, “I guess I’m glad one good thing came out of it.”

“When I found out you were in trouble, I had that panicky feeling again. That overwhelming fear. That reminder that I could lose you. God, I’ve never been so scared in my life.” He stopped and looked away, a huge lump sitting in his throat. 

“Hey,” she said and, when he re-established eye contact, she had absolute recognition in her eyes. “I understand that more than you’ll ever know,” she enunciated each word slowly and squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, Plimpton.”

He wanted so badly to tell her he loved her then. But with the words still unrequited, this wasn’t the moment to put any undue pressure on her. Instead, he brought her hand to his lips and kissed the back of her hand. “I’m not either.”

“Let’s move in together,” she said abruptly, taking him by surprise. “When you asked the other day I was taken off-guard. I needed to process it, talk about it with Dr. Akopian.”

“And you’re sure?”

“Yes. This feels right,” she mused, looking at their clasped hands again. He felt like his heart might burst from his chest.

Later, nestled under the blankets in his bed, Nathaniel threw his arm over her waist and pulled her back against him so they shared the same pillow. A soft smile played at her lips as he dragged her across the bed to be pressed to his chest, and she relaxed, covering his hand with her own. The days she was missing, under Trent’s captivity, these were the moments he had longer for. Now that he was accustomed to the feeling of her like this - warm and soft and anchored against him - her absence was a cold, empty void.

“Hey, I want to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before too,” she said softly. He wished he could see her face, but also realized that maybe she felt some solace under the veil of darkness. “You make me feel...secure. Like I can completely trust you.”

It wasn’t a declaration of love, but he’d take it. And from what he knew about her past relationships, this was probably a big deal in itself. He didn’t respond verbally but nosed her hair and settled in to let sleep take him. She must have been exhausted from the ordeal because after a few short minutes her breathing turned heavy and even, the sound a comfort to him. She was here and she was safe. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt her ever again. The words came out almost of their own volition, in a whisper into her hair, “I love you so much.” The hand that covered his tightened and he wasn’t sure if she was awake or if it was an unconscious movement in sleep. Even though she hadn’t said those exact words yet, he was hopeful she felt the same way. Whether she moved into his place or they got a new one together, it didn’t matter. She was his home now and he never wanted to be away from home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the next and FINAL chapter: Rebecca Takes Responsibility.
> 
> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


	6. Rebecca Takes Responsibility.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The encounter with Trent has left Rebecca feeling guilty about her past transgressions. She embarks on an apology tour to try to mend fences with the people in her life she has wronged. 
> 
> GET READY TO FEEL THINGS.

Immediately following the encounter with Trent, Rebecca spent every night at Nathaniel’s apartment. Each night she pulled his arm over her, carefully tucking herself into his embrace, making herself as small as possible. If there were any bumps in the night, she would bury her face in his armpit, hiding her eyes to avoid peering into the darkness. Nathaniel’s arm always tightened reflexively around her, but he slept on undisturbed, oblivious to her looming dread.

Each sleepless night, her mind wandered wildly. Sometimes, she imagined police breaking into Nathaniel’s apartment, arresting him for attempted murder. Other times, it was an image of Trent, holding a knife above Nathaniel’s head, threatening to slit his throat.

But the worst intrusive thought of all was a memory. It was the memory of Josh yelling into the night, “Rebecca! I know this is you! Stop it! Leave me alone! I’m not going to let you get to me, you hear me?! I’m not afraid of you!” as she hid outside his parents’ home. The recollection of how she terrorized him, and the guilt permeating that memory, was worse than any fictional scenario her mind could conjure. While she could hide from the nightmares about Trent in the safety of Nathaniel’s arms, no amount of hiding could change the fact that she had been Josh’s Trent.

After a few weeks of unrest, Rebecca’s fear of Trent slowly ameliorated. There had been no indication he was still lingering. Paula even showed her an Instagram post with Trent and his mother in Iowa, his nose covered in a conspicuous bandage. But while her fear of Trent returning eventually faded, her realization about Josh still lingered. It wedged itself so deeply within her, she decided she needed to take action.

One Saturday afternoon, Rebecca stretched out across Nathaniel’s couch, a pad of paper resting on her thighs. She bit on a pen thoughtfully as she contemplated her next words. Nearby, there were cardboard moving boxes, still flattened, resting against the exposed brick wall.

“Ugh!” she heard Nathaniel groan from the bathroom. She knew better than to be concerned. That sound of frustration could only mean one thing. “Seven point three!” he called out to her.

“Stop it!” she yelled back. “I’m going to make sure that scale gets lost in the move, I swear!”

He padded into the living area, not hiding how distraught he was.

“It’s seven pounds in a year. And you’re six foot two! I’ve gained more than that during a finals week in college. I’m not indulging in your ridiculous pity-party.”

She momentarily raised her feet so he could flop down on the other end of the couch and then returned them to rest against the side of his thigh. He picked up his laptop from the coffee table and huffed.

“Do I have to remind you? Dr. Akopian said you’re not supposed to weigh yourself every day.”

“Right, he said I'm not supposed to weigh myself _every_ day. I didn’t weigh myself yesterday,” he said, raising a clarifying pointer finger into the air. When she rolled her eyes, he added, “Let’s just drop it, ok?”

She reluctantly obliged, putting her pen to paper again while he clicked around on his laptop. He opened a bookmarked real estate site and triggered one of his saved searches. Once they decided to find a new place to move in together, a place that would be equally theirs, Nathaniel quickly immersed himself in research, determined to find the perfect place. The endless amount of micro-decisions that went along with finding a place left her exhausted, so she gratefully let him take the lead. The house search triggered something unexpectedly, delightfully domestic within him. Somehow more and more cardboard moving boxes kept appearing in his apartment, even the expensive ones with rods for moving clothes. At work she would come back from the bathroom and suddenly have five unread email messages from him, each with a new listing for her to consider.

“Here’s a good one,” he said, pointing at his laptop screen. “A house. Three bedrooms, one and a half baths, fifteen hundred square feet, $2400 a month. And there’s a yard.”

“That sounds great,” she replied, only half-paying attention as she wrote on her pad of paper. “What’s the bathtub situation?”

“Is that really all you care about?”

“No, I just like a nice bathroom, that’s all.”

He clicked through the photos on the listing. “Is this bathtub acceptable?” he asked and angled the laptop toward her.

She put down her pen and regarded the photo. “Yes, that is acceptable.”

“Ok, let’s go see it tomorrow.”

“Sure,” she confirmed, but her eyes were skimming her paper.

“Can I ask what you’re writing over there?”

She tore her eyes away from the pad. “Yes. I am making a list of things I need to apologize for. This list is for Josh.”

Nathaniel’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Really? May I ask why you’re doing this?”

“Well, the whole Trent ordeal made me think about some of my past behavior. Some of it has been, putting it mildly, not great. I think I need to own up and take responsibility for the things I’ve done, especially the things I did to Josh. I’m planning to meet him face-to-face soon so I can apologize.”

“Wow, that’s really big of you,” he said and rubbed his hand over her socked feet. But while his words were complimentary, his brow furrowed anxiously.

“If I see Josh, will that make you uncomfortable?”

After a pregnant pause, he finally said, “No, of course not.” He cleared his throat and stared vacantly at the laptop screen.

“Why such a long pause?”

“It wasn’t a long pause.”

“Nathaniel, look at me.” She put her pad of paper to the side and gave him a pointed look. “Out with it.”

Busted, he closed the laptop and set it gingerly on the coffee table. He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped himself, shaking his head. “Nope. You know what, it’s totally fine. I don’t have a problem. It’s stupid.”

“You don’t have problem? Or it’s stupid?” She kept staring at him, waiting him to crack.

He sighed and ran his hand over his face. “Ok, it’s just…when you were with Josh, you ran around all day telling everyone, including me, that he was the man of your dreams and could do no wrong.” His eyes cast downward, self-conscious, “You don’t do that with me.”

“What?!” Her eyes went wide in disbelief. “Nathaniel, you’re not the man of my dreams, because you’re the man of my reality. Believe me, that is so much better. What I had with him, it wasn’t real. It was about an idea of him, not actually him. I thought you knew that.”

“Right,” he said unconvincingly.

“I don’t have feelings for him anymore,” she stated plainly for his benefit, locking eyes with him.

He shrugged and added, “Also, according to White Josh, he got totally ripped, so…”

“Oh my gosh, look at you!” She got up on her knees and scooted over to his side of the couch, grabbing his face and planting wet, smacking kisses all over. “Stop your worrying!”

It was unbelievable that this was the same man she met two years ago, who was full of snark and bravado. Back then, a mere suggestion of any vulnerability on his part earned her a scoff and an eye roll. But once she had earned his trust, and unwavering affection, he had unfolded like a flower. Now she knew he had his own set of insecurities that he carefully hid behind his cold work persona. It didn’t escape her that she had to take some responsibility for his lack of confidence in their relationship. All along she was the one who kept her foot on the brake pedal while he silently pleaded to put their relationship in drive.

He let her land a few kisses to his cheeks and temple, still feigning hurt over Josh. But then he dissolved into laughter at the over-the-top show of affection, helpless to her charms. “Alright, that’s enough,” he said and stopped her by catching her lips with his. He seized her by the waist and guided her back down to the couch, enveloping her body with his. She grinned mischievously against his mouth and greedily pulled at his neck to draw him even closer and deepen the kiss.

The idea that Nathaniel could still be jealous of Josh was so ludicrous to her that it was laughable. Teasing each other, especially in the bedroom, was their lingua franca, so she couldn’t stop herself from giving him a gentle ribbing over his jealousy. She pushed lightly at his chest and he broke the kiss. “You’re so jealous,” she taunted, playfully.

He blew a raspberry with his lips. “Please. I’m not jealous. I don’t get jealous.”

“I see,” she said. Her tone of voice then shifted to sexy, mock-innocence. “So it wouldn’t bother you if I went over there, wearing a low cut top...” She trailed one of her hands between her breasts, pulling down at the collar of her shirt to reveal more cleavage to him. His eyes drifted downward to her breasts and darkened. “Or, if maybe I just happen to feel his huge bicep,” she said, running her hands seductively over his chest for emphasis and shamelessly batting her eyelashes.

Nathaniel laughed and leaned down to nip at her neck. He lowered his voice and whispered just below her ear, “Wow, you’re really asking for it, aren’t you?”

“Maybe I like jealous Nathaniel,” she suggested, rubbing the back of his neck as she reveled in the feeling of his hot breath on her neck.

“Oh really?” He pulled away for a moment to quirk an eyebrow at her.

“Mmm hmm,” she hummed. “Don’t kink shame me.”

“Well, in that case, I’m super jealous.” He resumed kissing her neck, grinding his hardness against her, and growled, “I want you all to myself. No one else can have you.”

Her inner muscles clenched involuntarily at his words and she felt liquid heat pool at her center. She hooked her legs around his back, melding him to her, and she moaned eagerly at the contact. In between kisses, they managed to pull each other’s shirts over their heads and discard them onto the floor beside the couch. He trailed down her body and roughly pulled off her leggings, her panties getting caught along with them. He resumed his position over her, but shifted his weight so he could slip a long finger into her and simultaneously press the heel of his palm against her clit.

“I don’t want anyone else touching you like this,” he said, rhythmically sliding his finger in and out of her and then adding a second to stretch her further. She rose her hips to meet his hand and threw her head back to enjoy his ministrations. As her arousal began to build and tighten, her muscles clamped around his fingers, aching for more.

She whimpered and wrapped her hand around his forearm, applying gentle pressure. Their subtle movements during sex were like their own secret language and he successfully translated this gesture as _stop_ and _please more_ simultaneously. She watched him through hooded eyes as he rose from the couch and removed his pants. After he disrobed the rest of the way, he sat upright against the back of the couch and reached for her to join him. Her muscles felt completely melted, liquefied, and she had to grab his hand and use his strength as leverage to reluctantly sit up. She climbed into his lap and slowly lowered herself onto him, letting herself adjust to him inch-by-agonizing-inch. Face-to-face now, their noses brushed softly, lovingly against each other as she began to move up and down on him. She secured herself by wrapping her arms around his solid shoulders while his arms slung low on her hips.

As she rode him, she decided to indulge in their sportive role play. In her mind she transformed back into the “espresso-haired vixen” that so easily captured Nathaniel’s attention the first time they had sex. She put on her best sultry, but authoritative voice and said, “Nathaniel, any other woman touches you and I will rip their fucking hair out.” His hips bucked up into her and his face was absolutely wrecked with desire. So she continued, “Because this cock is mine now, you hear me?” She dug her nails into the back of his neck. He groaned in response and his grip on her hips tightened reflexively.

Seeing him like this, completely dumbstruck and at her mercy, was intoxicating. It was a high like no other she had experienced. She felt her climax building quickly and it made her lose all semblance of control. She sped up her pace until she was at the edge of the proverbial cliff. No longer able to formulate words, all she could manage was moaning continuously, while she chased the high of her impending orgasm.

Nathaniel then grabbed her ass with both his hands, taking control of their rhythm and burying himself impossibly deeper within her. With each filthy thrust, her clit pressed up sinfully against him, creating friction exactly where she needed it most. He nudged her body slightly away from his so he look her deeply in the eyes. In a dark, gravelly voice, he commanded, “Nobody gets to fuck you like this ever again except me. Nobody’s allowed to make you come but me.”

Oh, fuck him. He knew how to play her like a finely tuned instrument, plucking expertly until he struck a resonate middle C within her. White hot pleasure exploded at her core and then ripped through the rest of her body like lightning. Her eyes slammed shut and she pressed her nails hard into his shoulders, inevitably leaving behind a speckling of tiny, crescent indentations.

When she finally regained control of her senses, she registered Nathaniel panting heavily into her neck while his chest repeatedly expanded and contracted against her. Her arms were locked around his shoulders in a death grip and she had no intention of letting go. His hands took residence on her lower back, his arms slack around her. Burying her face in his neck, she tried to absorb every sensation of the moment - his heady smell, the sweat that gathered in the crook of his neck, the sound of his labored breathing in her ear. Even with their bodies still connected, she wanted more. It would never be enough. She could never get close enough.

“You ok? Did you survive?” He chuckled softly and she felt the sound reverberate deep in his chest.

“That was a good one,” she huffed, “but don’t get cocky.”

“I think we may need to invest in some flood insurance for our new house,” he quipped, obviously amused with himself.

She groaned and finally pulled away from his neck. A smirk was plastered on his face, his eyebrow arched suggestively. “Wow. How long have you been sitting on that joke?”

“I was waiting for the right moment,” he said with a smug, satisfied grin.

“Well, I hope you enjoy getting this flood out of your couch,” she snarked as she untangled her limbs from his and scampered off to the shower.

*****

It took a few days for Rebecca to summon the courage to contact Josh. She knew it wouldn’t be easy to explain over the phone why she wanted to see him. “I want to apologize for mailing you my poop,” wasn’t exactly an ideal icebreaker. But after rehearsing the phone call several times in her bathroom mirror, she finally bit the bullet. She ended up simply saying, “I want to talk to you about how things ended with us.” While he seemed surprised by her call, he was characterically cheerful and agreed to see her with no hesitation.

He invited her over to his apartment the following weekend. While she was certainly nervous, she was also ready for the conversation to be behind her so she could move forward.

“Hi, thanks for letting me come over,” she said when he answered the door. She stood awkwardly in the threshold of his apartment, clutching the apology list in her hands. Josh was cordial, warm actually. (Also, he did get ripped, but she wasn’t going to dwell on that fact or mention it to Nathaniel.)

“I’m glad you reached out because I wanted to talk to you too,” he replied, stepping away from the door so she could come in. His apartment was simply furnished, with no frills, but it was still inviting and homey. She took a seat on his worn tan couch, a hand-me-down from his parents no doubt, while he retrieved two glasses of water from his kitchen.

“Oh?”

“Yea, I wanted to say thank you,” he said, handing her one of the glasses and water and sitting down beside her.

“Thank you?”

“Before I met you, I set the bar so low for myself. But you freed me from that. Whatever my future holds, it’s different from what I planned. And that’s because of you.”

“Wow.” To say she was taken aback by his admission was an understatement.

“And the truth is, I was a coward when I left you at the altar. Now I’m trying to break out of my patterns and do the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing.”

She was impressed. Josh had obviously matured a lot in their time apart. She supposed they both had.

“That is actually a perfect segue into what I wanted to talk to you about. I wrote this list of things I wanted to apologize to you for.” She unfolded the paper and cleared her throat. “Listen, after the wedding, or non-wedding, I was in a really bad place and I did some things I’m not proud of. What I did with your mom, for example, was completely unacceptable and I’m sorry.”

Josh nodded gratefully, “Thank you for saying that.”

“I hope you know I would never do anything to your mom. I was trying to get your attention and I did it in the absolute worst way. And I did kind of stalk your parents’ house and try to scare you with the whole teddy bear in the closet thing. I realize now how messed up that was and I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. I forg - “

“I also mailed you cupcakes that were actually my poop.”

“Ok…”

“And, I don’t know if this matters, but I had sex with Greg’s dad.”

“Um…”

“And I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your congregation at priest school. All of these things were misguided to say the least. The point is that I’m really sorry for everything. I hope you can try to understand and forgive me.” She folded up the list and looked up at him expectantly.

Josh was clearly confused by some of these confessions, but he shook his head and softened. “Listen, I heard about what a tough time you had then. If you can forgive me for what I did at the wedding, or non-wedding, then I can forgive you too.”

“Thank you so much,” she sighed and then she reached out and hugged him. Much to her surprise, she didn’t feel any kind of rush, any glitter, when she embraced him. At some point a switch had been flipped and now he was just Josh instead of JOSH. When she pulled away, she felt immense relief. By the saying the words out loud to him, it was like she had released them into the world, expelling the poison of them from her body.

Changing the subject, Josh said, “I heard from White Josh and Hector that you’ve been dating that guy...your boss...the one you kissed while we were engaged.”

“Right,” she acknowledged regretfully. After all that had happened between she and Nathaniel sometimes she forgot that their first kiss was an infidelity on her part. “I’m sorry about that too. You didn’t deserve that.”

“No, no. Hey, I’m happy for you. And if he’s the guy you were supposed to be with all along, then it worked out for the best. Plus he’s friends with White Josh so that means he’s my friend too.” He seemed genuinely happy for her and it was such a comfort.

“Yea, we’re moving in together soon actually.”

“Dude, that’s awesome. Good for you guys!” he cheered without a hint of irony.

She smiled and looked down at her hands. “Yea, it’s great. He’s the man...” The words died on her lips. “He’s, um, a really amazing boyfriend, actually. I mean, he’s not perfect. Neither of us are. We both have our issues. But it works and we’re not perfect...together. Like we’re two broken puzzle pieces that fit together somehow?”

Josh said nothing and she continued to ramble on, “Sure, at the office he’s this cold, no-nonsense, hyper-masculine guy. But then when you get to know him, he’s like this sweet, thoughtful, loving man. And both our parents were complete garbage so we understand each other on this deep level and at our cores we’re just two people who want someone to love them, you know?”

Clearly this conversation had gotten away from her and Josh’s forehead creased in confusion. “Sorry, that was unnecessary amount of detail,” she apologized.

He smiled warmly in response and said, “Rebecca, it seems like you’re in a really good place now and happy, and that’s all I want for you.”

“That is really sweet. Thank you. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to apologize. I should have done this a long time ago.”

“Becks, we are all good.”

She felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. But the moment was interrupted when her phone vibrated in her purse. “Sorry, do you mind if I check this? We’re on baby watch right now.”

“Of course.”

It was Darryl. She had a feeling this was it. “Hi, Darryl.”

“Rebecca, the baby is here! She’s perfect, she’s just perfect!”

His joy was infectious and she couldn’t help but break into a huge grin. “Congratulations, Darryl.”

“Heather said she’s ok to see people now so I want you and the ladies to come by!”

“Of course, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

She hung up the phone and Josh stood and simply said, “Take care, Becks.”

“You too, Josh,” she replied and it crossed her mind that it might be the last time they spoke, at least one-on-one. She nodded, acknowledging this thought, and then rushed out the door.

****

Rebecca picked up Nathaniel and they headed straight to the hospital. While she drove, he graciously called Paula and Valencia so she could focus on the road. Her hands fidgeted restlessly, alternating between hitting the steering wheel with her flattened palm and rubbing her sweaty hands over the fabric of her jeans.

When she glanced over at Nathaniel, he was intently watching her. “You ok?”

She re-focused on the road. “I guess I don’t know how to feel right now. The baby has been such an abstract concept and now it’s becoming real. It’s all hitting me at once. I know that this is irrational but I keep thinking...what if there’s something wrong with her and somehow it’s my fault?”

“When we get there, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can always just leave the room. I’ll be there. Whatever you need, I’ll be there, ok?”

She bit her lip and nodded, still staring straight ahead.

They were the first to arrive.

“Hey you two!” Darryl exclaimed when they entered the room. He stood beside Heather’s bed, holding the baby, rocking her slowly.

“Hey,” Rebecca responded. She hesitantly walked up to Darryl and he stooped low so Rebecca could see the baby. She was tiny, way smaller than Rebecca had imagined. She had a small pale pink beanie on her head. Her eyes were slits, just barely open, and she was tightly swaddled in a blanket. “Oh Darryl, you’re right, she is perfect.”

“Congratulations, Darryl,” Nathaniel chimed in.

“I was thinking about naming her Hebecca. For you and Heather.”

Rebecca shot a look to Heather and Heather frowned back. “Maybe keep workshopping that, Darryl,” Rebecca said and then approached Heather’s bed. She hugged her carefully, trying not to jostle or disturb her. “How are you holding up?”

“I crushed it. I mean, I was dead from the waist down, so that helped,” she shrugged.

While Rebecca was talking to Heather, Nathaniel spotted two chairs in the corner of the room and pulled them up next to Heather’s bed. He and Rebecca each sat in one and he slung his arm around the back of her chair protectively. As soon as they were seated, Darryl walked over to Rebecca and held out the baby, trying to place her into her arms.

“Oh, I don’t know, Darryl,” she protested, raising her hands up in a stopping gesture.

“Come on, Rebecca. She’s your flesh and blood,” Darryl whined.

That hit her right in the stomach. “Ok, ok,” she acquiesced and held her arms out to accept the baby.

Darryl guided her arms, which felt awkward and unnatural, saying, “Here, support her head like this.”

Once she was finally settled into Rebecca’s arms, she gazed down at her pink, wrinkled face in awe. Nathaniel scooted closer to get a better look.

As she held the baby, she felt a warmth spread throughout her chest. She helped create this baby and she was giving her something Rebecca never had. The best father in the world. A father who would never shame her or criticize her. A father who would go to all her games or plays or recitals and who would braid her hair. A father who would love her unconditionally. Tears sprang to her eyes and she looked at Darryl with profound appreciation. He clasped his hands together over his heart, choking back his own tears.

Nathaniel cupped the back of Rebecca’s head with his palm and murmured to her, “Hey, look at what a great thing you did.” She caught his gaze, which was soft with his admiration for her, and she lost all control of her emotions. Suddenly Rebecca was crying and then Darryl was crying and even Heather looked like she was getting choked up.

As they all shared the moment together, Valencia, Beth, and Paula flooded into the room. Looking at all their emotional faces, Paula said, “Oh god, what’s happening? Are you all ok?”

“We’re just happy!” Darryl cried.

Paula regarded the tableau of Rebecca, Nathaniel, and the baby together and started tearing up herself. “Oh guys, stop being so cute and let me hold that baby!” Rebecca nodded and Paula expertly swooped in and took the baby from her. Valencia and Beth crowded around Paula and cooed over the baby.

Nathaniel, his arm returning to the back of her chair, leaned in and whispered, “You know, I don’t normally like babies because they’re disgusting, but I think I can make an exception for this one.” A smile pulled at his lips and she laughed while she wiped away her tears.

While the rest of the visitors were preoccupied with the baby, Rebecca excused herself from the room to take a breather outside in the hallway. She collapsed onto a bench and let the tears slide freely down her face.

As she expected, Nathaniel followed close behind, and sat down next to her. “What are you thinking about?”

She wiped at the mascara smeared under her eyes. “You know how I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the bad stuff I’ve done? It’s been pretty hard to face all of it. But holding that baby and thinking about what a great life she’s going to have with Darryl…it made me feel like maybe I’m not a complete fuck up, you know?”

“Rebecca,” he slid his arm around her back and pulled her close, “you’re not a fuck up. We all do things we’re not proud of.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “You did this amazing thing for Darryl. And, you just apologized to Josh. I know you really well and you’re a good person.”

All this time and he still thought the sun shined out her ass. She nodded and tried to believe his words. It was something that would always be a struggle for her. She rested her head on his shoulder while she took a couple deep breaths and regained her composure.

When they re-entered the room, a nurse was close behind to take the baby back to the nursery. Darryl followed the nurse out, trailing her down the hallway and pestering her with a million questions.

Rebecca walked to the foot of Heather’s bed and cleared her throat. “Hey ladies,” she started, addressing Paula, Valencia, and Heather. “Listen, since you’re all here, I have something I want to say.” All the chatter stopped and everyone looked at her curiously. “I know being friends with me is not always easy. I want to apologize for all the times I broke a promise or wasn’t there for you as a friend or was too self-involved to listen to your problems or meddled with your business or didn’t notice you had an abortion. Ok, some of those are specific to certain people. The point is that I’m trying to get better and I’m sorry for all of it.”

The room was silent for a moment and until Paula finally said,“Honey, we are all so proud of you for all the work you’ve done.” Heather and Valencia nodded encouragingly. “Come here,” Paula opened her arms to her and Rebecca gladfully went into them.

Valencia came up behind Rebecca and joined the hug. “We love you, girl,” she said.

Remembering Heather in her hospital bed, they looked over at her and she held up her hand, “I’m good.”

The door opened and Darryl blurted out, “You guys are having a group hug without me?!” He rushed up and wrapped his arms around Paula. “Everybody get in, come on!”

Beth looked to Nathaniel and shrugged. She tucked herself beside Valencia to join in. Nathaniel sighed and awkwardly hovered his long arms around the group.

“Ok, that’s enough! It’s getting too crowded here. Let’s remember I just pushed out a baby out of my vagina!” Heather interrupted. The group dispersed and she followed up with, “Rebecca, I forgive you. I mean, sure you never listened to me but you did spot me rent for like a whole year so I guess we’re even.”

*****

Once they got back to Nathaniel’s place, he started taking out groceries for dinner. He stuck his head in the fridge and called out to her, “Hey, we have the ingredients for that chicken thing we both like. The one that has only four net carbs. Gotta get these ounces off. What do you think?” When she didn’t respond, he closed the fridge. She was standing on the other side of the counter, a piece of paper in her hand, her face drawn and solemn.

“What’s wrong? You look so serious. Wait, is that,” he pointed to the paper in her hand. “Am I getting an apology right now? I told you you don’t have to apologize for Trent.”

“Why don’t you sit down?” She perched on the edge of the sofa, her posture stiffly straight.

His face went slack and he put the food back in the fridge. Then he sat beside her, putting a little space between them.

“This is going to be really hard for me. This has already been an emotional day. But I want to have this talk with you. I cannot put it off any longer.”

He swallowed hard. “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it, ok?” His voice wavered, betraying his mask of confidence.

She sighed and looked down at the paper. “The first thing is more of a full-disclosure type thing about my past. The last person I slept with before you was my ex-boyfriend’s dad.” She winced on his behalf. “It was right before my suicide attempt, at my lowest point. I’m not proud of it, but it happened.”

He cleared his throat. “Hmm, ok. I mean, that’s not great, but it was before we were together. Whoever you slept with before we were together...it doesn’t bother me. Just please don’t sleep with my dad.”

“Right, of course. I’ll try to remember that,” she chuckled. “Here’s the next thing. When we first started dating, I did something really bad.” She looked up at the ceiling for a moment, contemplating her words. “Remember when I was taking the hormones for the egg donation?”

He nodded, his face etched with worry, “Yea, of course.”

“I’m not using that as an excuse but I just want you to know my state of mind when I did it. One day when I was on the hormones, your laptop was open and I saw Facebook messages between you and another woman...Mona. And I read all the messages.”

“Rebecca, there’s nothing -” he jumped in.

She held up her hand to stop him. “Stop. I know there’s nothing going on. Because the next day I followed you. I was insanely jealous and convinced you were cheating on me, so I followed you to the NAMI meeting. I know you’ve been going to the family support group this whole time.”

“Wow,” is all he said. His mouth fell open and his eyebrows climbed high on his forehead.

Words rushed out of her in a flurry, “I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I snooped. I invaded your privacy and that was wrong. I promise I haven’t done anything like that since then. I swear.”

He looked down at his hands, avoiding her eyes.

“Please say something. Say anything. If you’re mad, I completely understand.”

“Obviously I’m not happy you spied on me,” he said, still looking down. “I’m not happy you didn’t trust me.”

She nodded vehemently and touched his knee. “I get it. It was bad. It was really bad.”

“But...I know how tough it was being on those hormones. And it was a long time ago. We’ve been through a lot since then.”

“So you forgive me?” she asked in a meek voice.

“Yea, I think I will.” He covered the hand resting on his knee with his and squeezed. She beamed at him for a moment but then cast her eyes downward once more.

His eyes flitted to the paper in her hands. “Is there more?”

“Yes, one more thing,” she said nervously. She folded the paper and put it aside on the coffee table. She took both of his hands in hers. “I lied to you about something else. Something important.”

His eyes flickered all over her face. “What? Please just tell me.”

“The worst lie I told you,” she started and Nathaniel sucked in a breath and held it, “was every time you told me you loved me and I didn’t say it back.”

“What?” A soft smile spread slowly across his face.

“I thought I was protecting myself from getting hurt and abandoned. But then I realized that even if I didn’t say it, it didn’t stop me from falling head-over-heels, completely, ridiculously in love with you. I love you so much.”

The breath he had been holding escaped in a rush and his glassy eyes darted away from hers. She clutched his hands tighter and it re-focused his attention back to her.

“Listen to me, I want it all with you. I want to move in with you and be with you every day. I want all our stuff to be ours - not just yours or mine. I want to force you to meet my mother and drag you to terrible family events. I want to be in a relationship with you on Facebook and change my profile picture to some disgustingly cute photo of the two of us. I want to abuse your family’s private jet to go to Bora Bora or Paris or Rome together. I want to tell everyone I know I’m in love with you. I want to smother the hell out of you, Plimpton, and I mean it. I’m not going to waste any more time.”

His hands trembled in hers and he was stunned speechless. He made a noise that sounded like a strangled breath. “Hey hey,” she soothed and she took his face in her hands and leaned forward to press their foreheads together. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so selfish. You deserved to hear that a long time ago.”

For a few moments they simply breathed together, her eyes squeezed shut. Then he finally pulled away, his eyes shining. He had been completely silent throughout her declaration and she was desperate for him to say something. But she was patient, letting him collect himself.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he choked out, “Say it again.” A tear escaped from one of his eyes and he immediately wiped it away and laughed at himself.

“I love you.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. “I want all those things too, you know.”

“I know. So you forgive me?”

He scoffed, as if the idea was absurd. He tangled his hands in her hair and kissed her. “Of course I do. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

*****

Rebecca stood in front of the master bathroom mirror, dressed in only a purple pencil skirt and black bra, curling iron settled nearby on the countertop. She brushed on her mascara, frowning when she noticed a black smudge in the corner of her eye.

Nathaniel, a whirlwind as always in the morning, stuck his head in the doorframe, knotting his tie. “Remember, we have a meeting at 9.”

“I know, I know. I’ll be ready. Hey, would a burn from a curling iron qualify to get me out of this meeting? Maybe a sick day?”

Ignoring her, he asked, “Case notes?”

“Office.”

He disappeared into the hallway and she drifted into the bedroom. She pushed her clothes around in the closet until she found the cobalt blue blouse she wanted. Returning to the bathroom, she worked on the finishing touches to her hair and makeup.

Nathaniel rushed into the bathroom and shared the mirror, adjusting his suit jacket and fiddling with his hair. She decided not to mention the fact that they had another bathroom now that he could be using instead.

“Is that a new blouse?”

“You have got to be kidding me.” She saw the sides of his mouth curl and she playfully slapped his arm. Turning her back to him, she asked, “Did I miss any?”

He ran his fingers through the back of her hair, “Nope.”

“Don’t mess it up!” she swatted his hand away and pretended not to notice the conspicuous way he looked down the front of her blouse from his higher vantage point.

They locked eyes in the mirror and he glanced at his watch. “Hey, we have eight minutes to spare.”

She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Oh, what do you have in mind?”

“Not that, actually,” he said, resting both his hands on her waist. “You know how I’ve talked about getting out from under my father’s thumb? Maybe cashing out of the firm?”

“Yea, why?” This was not a conversation she expected so early on a Monday. But getting Nathaniel to discuss any topic related to his father could be like pulling teeth, so she wasn’t going to question it.

“How do you feel about the name _Plimpton and Bunch_?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I cash out of my father’s firm and we start up our own...as partners?”

Her eyes went wide. This was a possibility they had never discussed. “Oh...wow. Well, my first question would be why does your name get to go first?”

He chuckled, “I would probably put up most of the money, so…”

“Interesting perspective.”

“Or, if you like, it could be _Plimpton and Plimpton_. Then we would never know whose name is first.”

She smiled sweetly, but said, “Not a chance in hell. You’re dreaming if you think I’m taking that name someday.”

He rolled his eyes. “I feel like you’re missing the point of my hypothetical.”

“No, I’m not missing the point. I like it. I like it a lot. Especially the part where your dad doesn’t control any part of your life.”

“I like that part too,” he agreed and kissed her chastely on the lips.

She moved her hands to both sides of his face and yanked it down closer to hers. “Ugh, I love you so much.”

“I know,” he replied slyly and looked down at his watch. “Eight minutes are up. We have to go.” He released her and marched to the front door, stopping only to pick up his messenger bag along the way. She dragged several paces behind him and, when she arrived at the front door, he snapped his fingers at her. “Carpool leaves now, now, now.”

As he locked up behind them, she remarked, “When we have our own firm, I get to set the meeting times, and Mondays at 9am will no longer be an option.”

They both walked toward the car. “Sorry, what firm are you referring to? Oh, you mean the future _Plimpton and Plimpton_?”

“I hope you built a coffee run into this commute because I’m going to need it to deal with whatever mood this is today.” They both settled into their respective seats in the car. As she pulled on her seat-belt, she asked, “Won’t you miss bossing me around at the office?”

His seat-belt clicked into place. “No,” he replied. He slid his fingers over hers in her lap. “Because we’re partners.”

“That was really sweet, but I still need coffee ASAP.”

He winked and put the car into drive. “Anything you say, Mrs. Plimpton.”

“Stop it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this fic. It seriously means a lot to me. Especially to the people who left comments - THANK YOU.
> 
> Shout out to itsme_ashley_marie, who has been an amazing sounding board and a great friend. Also, she's the Queen of Smut. Check out her stuff.
> 
> Email: heartbashfic@gmail.com
> 
> Art credit to: @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace


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